The New Romford Free Press

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’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National


By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – Apparently, the ’97 Tiger Woods is stuck here in the present because of the message Present Tiger snuck to him at Augusta National. A couple weeks ago, the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match got underway at the famous Augusta National golf course, and the widely advertised event drew in millions of views and billions of dollars.  The match was set up to prevent each Tiger from meeting each other.  As… Read More

Project INFINITY Returns Home Early, Surprising Everyone


By Chase Chapley Surprising everyone at ATOM Labs, the Project INFINITY team returned home early after a string of terrible alternate dimensions with the final straw being a world where Donald Trump was elected President of the United States. Project INFINITY was scheduled to return in another three months after exploring 100 alternate dimensions.  The New Romford Free Press has been running pieces from Tarani Kapoor’s journal about their experiences.  But the team returned yesterday… Read More

Condor-Man Comes Back to Life in Record Time


By Packie Williams CHICAGO – Despite an extensive review of his deceased body, Paul Condorman, a.k.a. Condor-Man, has come back to life just ten days after he apparently died, the fastest resurrection ever recorded for a superhero. Condor-Man died while engaged in combat with the supervillain Claymore ten days ago, and a Peace Force doctor examined his body to make sure it was indeed Condor-Man and not a clone, robot, or any number of deceptions. … Read More

BREAKING: Titana and Positron Destroy Barbarian Orb, Return City to Normal (Again) (For Now)

barbarian castle

By Chase Chapley After tangling with barbarians at the Seaside Castle, Titana and Positron destroyed a barbarian orb by throwing it into the sun, returning the city and citizens back to normal (again). Hundreds of people magically turned back into barbarians tonight after prolonged exposure to various barbarian artifacts left over from Vrog’s brief reign over New Romford.  They became violent and began to loot and pillage as they headed to the Seaside Castle.  The… Read More

BREAKING: People Have Turned Back Into Barbarians on Halloween; Not A Prank

barbarian castle

By Chase Chapley The NRPD and Peace Force are reporting that people who have come into prolonged contact with the Seaside Castle or any barbarian objects have turned back into barbarians.  They are congregating at the Seaside Castle right now, and even though this is Halloween weekend, this is not a prank. Ever since Vrog was defeated some time ago, various barbarian artifacts have been found across the city, primarily in Dukes.  The Seaside Castle… Read More

Martian-Americans Arrested for “Cheating” in Vegas


By Buffy Bolivar LAS VEGAS – Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested for cheating at several blackjack tables at the Rio Hotel & Casino using “Martian powers,” which they do not possess. After selling their land to oil companies, the Martian-Americans of North Dakota were flush with cash.  Some are traveling the world, some have relocated to Miami and New York, and some have moved to Las Vegas.  Over the past several weeks, they’ve become world-class gamblers. … Read More

‘Reboot Man’ Reboots One Final Time, Flies into the Sun


By Packie Williams CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – Ray Denver, the superhero currently known as Clayman yet more commonly known as Reboot Man, has had yet another reboot.  And then he flew into the sun. Denver had reportedly been living with Professor Carl Poughkeepsie in Charlotte, North Carolina, for the past several months.  Poughkeepsie, a geneticist specializing in sentient rocks, was trying to find a way to revert Denver back to his original human form.  Then,… Read More