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Man Sues Red Bull for False Advertisement

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By Muffy Borgeron

Springfield resident Luke Seward is suing the makers of the energy drink Red Bull for false advertisement.  “Their ads say ‘Red Bull gives you wings,’” Seward said in a statement, “and people in their ads are depicted as gaining the power of flight after consuming their product.  I have drunk several dozen cans of Red Bull and have not grown wings.  This is false advertisement.”

A spokesperson for Red Bull called the lawsuit frivolous.  “The marketing campaign for Blue Ox is clearly meant to be metaphorical,” he said.  “They’re cartoon characters, not real people in our ads.  We have never claimed our product can give someone actual wings.”

Even still, Seward is convinced that living in a superhuman-filled city such as New Romford is reasonable enough cause to expect superpowers from an energy drink.  “People get splashed by chemicals everyday and get superpowers,” he said.  “Clearly, Red Bull is made of dozens of chemicals, any combination of which could cause a person to fly.  I don’t know by what method, either by giving me wings or magnetic levitation or whatever method Adonis uses.”

Many of Seward’s neighbors, while understanding his point, see another motive for this lawsuit.  “He tried jumping off his roof after drinking a can of Red Bull,” said Paula McCreary.  “He didn’t fly, of course.  Just landed on a mat he had on the ground.  But I think he’s just embarrassed.”

Seward would not comment on the incident.