The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Speedster In Town

By Chase Chapley

SpeedsterSpeedster is back in town, and citizens are bracing for a reckless time.  The Fastest Woman in the Galaxy has a history of reckless behavior while visiting New Romford.  Last year, she was responsible for a 300-car pileup on interstate highways 88 and 188 while chasing The Dinosaur Queen.

But it’s the little things that cause New Romforders to squirm.  “She’s just so fast that I don’t think she knows where she’s going half the time,” said Sussex resident Joanna Hull.  “She zipped right down my street and knocked off the side mirror off my car.  Didn’t even blink.  She just kept on going.”

Frenchtown resident, Marlin Byrd, had a similar encounter three years ago.  “I was mowing my lawn when she ran across,” he said.  “She ran so fast, she dug her feet into my front yard.  There were these huge divots in there, nearly a foot deep.  She just ruined my front yard without even thinking about it.”

While Speedster is a headache for some, she still has plenty of fans in New Romford.  Zack Holmes heads the local Speedster fan club and always sees a spike in excitement when she pops up.  “Sure, she gets a little reckless at times,” he said, “but we’re seeing one of the all-time greats here.  We have Adonis and the Amazings here everyday, but none of them are like Speedster.  She’s done so many awesome things that defy the laws of physics.  It’s truly remarkable!”

Regardless of who you ask, one thing is unanimous:  make sure you’re current on your insurance.