The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Titan Adds Rings to Saturn to Make It Look ‘More Fit’

  • Home
  • Space
  • Titan Adds Rings to Saturn to Make It Look ‘More Fit’


By Karna Firaliz

TITAN, Saturn – The inhabitants of Saturn’s moon, Titan, has begun adding rings to its host planet in an effort to make Saturn look “more fit and less fat”.

The Titans have always been an image conscious planetoid, according the project director, Fayance Digoro.  “We, Titans, always want to look the best,” she said.  “We’re always on the cutting edge of fashion in the Milky Way, and quite frankly, Saturn is need of a makeover.  So what do you do with a makeover?  Why, you accessorize, darling!”

Digoro has imported the shiniest rocks from the asteroid belt and embedded them with even more shiny rocks so that “they will sparkle throughout the cosmos”.  Once they have been buffed 77 times (per Digoro’s demands), they are added the outer-most ring of Saturn.  The beautification project is expected to take over four Earth years to complete and cost millions of Titan dinars.

But not every Titan is supportive of the project.  “We have schools and hospitals to build,” said vocal opposition leader, Gravity Plom Plom.  “Our roads are rotting, and the spaceway we’re building to Earth and Mars still hasn’t gotten past Jupiter.    We have other concerns apart from making Saturn look thinner.  Just ridiculous.”

Digoro hasn’t been fazed by the criticisms.  “Honestly, darling, they need a self esteem boost,” she said.  “Plus, once we make Saturn so much more beautiful, this will make Titan the best place for tourism.  We’ll have the best view of the shiniest rings on the thinnest planet out there!  The money generated from this will pay for everything else.”

It should be noted that the sentient species of Saturn and the other moons were not consulted for this project.  Saturnians, a less-developed race, said they didn’t think they looked fat but will now watch what they eat in the future.