The New Romford Free Press

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Asteroid Starts to Crack

By Skip Daverman

MOSCOW – The giant asteroid outside of Moscow, now several thousand feet wide, is starting to crack.  A mysterious yellow light is glowing from the cracks, and an audible groaning sound is coming from the creature inside the rock.

Russian officials have set up a perimeter several miles away from the asteroid, and superhero Ural has been on guard all day.  No one is speaking to the press largely because no one knows what’s going to happen.  Space monsters have visited Earth, usually hitting Japan for some reason, and they tend to come equipped with poisoned claws, toxic breath, or “fleas” the size of humans.  President Putin is said to be monitoring the situation very closely in case he may need to intervene, personally.

For the past few days, residents have reported a stark increase in headaches, nightmares, and visions, supposedly psychic residue from the creature.  One man said that he saw the inside of a space ship and what looked to be the moon.  Another man reported seeing Saturn but with the distinct impression that he was passing the ringed planet not towards Earth but away from it.  One woman kept wanting to “get my tail”.

The asteroid’s “hatching” seems to be imminent and probably destructive.  No evacuation order has been given, but that’s not stopping some residents.  “I can’t take the nightmares anymore,” said one man who wished to remain nameless.  “I dream about cosmic rays and pain every night.  Then darkness and nothing.  Endless nothing.  I don’t want to be anywhere near that thing.”