By Skip Daverman
MINNEAPOLIS – After several weeks of interminable bickering, the sentient mouths of the Twin Cities have finally been put to sleep by The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.
Since the giant mouths started yelling at each other, scientists from all over the world have been lending their support in finding out what exactly made the Twin Cities sentient and rowdy. No one could come up with an answer. “It was clearly not the work of man,” said The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® in his typical boisterous stage voice, “but the work of a madman. And I do not mean Jon Hamm.”
While everyone understood what he meant, he went on to explain that he had been on another plane of existence for the past three months, and when he returned to hear of Minnesota’s plight, he “smelled the stink of dark, delirious, and demented dealings with the Devil.” In other words, it was Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin. “Do you not see?” he said. “This is his handy work. To sow disruption, discord, and disaster in the most insane, insidious, inane way known to madman. Clearly it was him!”
Thankfully, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® got to the Twin Cities just in time. They had somehow developed hands, and Minneapolis was whipping the Mississippi River at St. Paul. How it was able to grab hold of a river and use it as a whip is also not known, but it was probably magic. St. Paul retaliated by throwing Pickerel Lake at Minneapolis. Again, magic.
The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® put a sleeping spell on both cities, and then gave a lengthy speech filled with alliteration to the authorities and press. Once he left to search for Nilrem, the Twin Cities were eerily quiet for nearly ten minutes. Everyone who attended his speech in Mankato remained silent, relishing the first real silence in weeks, but it was short lived. It turned out that Minneapolis snores.