NEW YORK – Donald Trump activated his Trump Portal Detector yesterday, and this time, nothing happened. No explosion, no power outage, no city-wide headaches. The only reason anyone knows that the Trump Portal Detector was operating is because of a secret informant within Trump Tower.
According to the informant, who wished to remain nameless, Trump was using a power generator separate from the electrical grid. Having learned his lesson from several weeks ago, and after receiving a $2 million fine from the city of New York as well as thousands of lawsuits from individuals hurt during his last stunt, he bought four hydrogen generators to power his Portal Detector. Apparently, they were plated in gold.
Once everything was set up, the machine was turned on, and it worked. The Portal Detector was able to detect everything and everyone within a 10-mile radius that came from another dimension. Most of these people and objects are already known, like the superhero Mntok and the dimension-89 exhibit at the Natural History Museum. Trump was pleased, according to the informant, and instructed his science team to increase the range to include Washington, D.C. The scientists said that might be illegal if not unethical, but Trump didn’t care. The Portal Detector swept through Washington, where President Obama was taking questions about the NSA’s warrantless telepathic mindtaps in the White House press room, and the Portal Detector came up empty.
Trump was reportedly furious, yelled at his science team for several minutes, and stormed out of the room. He yelled expletives of every sort as he made his way to his office and slammed the door. Then he yelled some more and threw things. This was the final straw for the informant, and knowing Trump would never publically admit to being wrong, he came forward to the NRFP.
Trump did not return the NRFP’s calls for comment.