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LA Roads Finally Succumb to ‘Permanent’ Gridlock

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by Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES — After a battle with the supervillain Monster Man crushed several intersections and freeways in the greater Los Angeles area three days ago, the area’s infamously gridlocked roads finally succumbed to “permanent” gridlock according to reports.

“It’s finally happened,” said KTLA traffic reporter, Sally Martinez.  “I’ve been watching LA traffic from the skies for over 15 years, and the gridlock has always been terrible.  But now it’s permanent.  The roads have become fences now.”

The cars and trucks on every freeway and most major streets stopped moving two days ago.  Freeways were the first to get stuck.  The 5, 10, 405, 110, 710, 605, and 101 became choked with vehicles.  The blockages there forced motorists to the city streets and other freeways, which in turn became clogged as well.  After several hours of sitting in traffic, several people left their vehicles and walked away.

“I just locked my car and walked home,” said Martin Foreman, an investment banker from Century City.  “It was a ten mile walk or so, but it was getting late, and I didn’t want to sleep in my car.  This is just ridiculous.”

While many echoed that sentiment, it wasn’t so easy for everyone to just leave their cars.  “I live out in San Bernardino,” said Lucas Forsythe, a music agent who works all over the LA area.  “I was up in Burbank with a few clients, and now I’m stuck in downtown LA.  I’m not walking all the way home by myself, not with the Terminator Gangs and the Na’vi Nation out there.”

Indeed, the various street gangs inspired by James Cameron movies, who have been annoying pests for the past few years, have been spotted along several freeways, looting cars and trucks.  Some incidents have even gotten bloody around East Los Angeles and Monterey Park.  Many families have also elected to stick it out in hopes that things will pass.  “It’s just not safe,” said Julie Newman-Porter, a mother of two from Anaheim and currently stuck on the 405 near Long Beach.  “I’m not risking my children’s lives by walking.  And I’ve never liked James Cameron’s movies anyway.”

Three days ago, Monster Man was in Hollywood, working as a consultant on an untitled action movie.  The decision by Universal to hire a “reformed” supervillain was considered a dubious decision by many people outside (and inside) the studio, but Universal stuck by its decision.  Apparently, Monster Man became enraged by the portrayal of the supervillain and rampaged across the studio lot.  A battle with the West Coast Peace Force raged all across the greater LA area, destroying several roads and freeways in the process.  This caused all sorts of traffic diversions and the eventual gridlock.

“It’s just amazing how fast it happened,” said Martinez.  “LA traffic has always been bad, but we’ve always figured things out.  But this is just astounding.”  Mayor Garcetti’s office said that his team is working around the clock to unclog the streets but noted that it’ll take time to identify the blockage points.  The West Coast Peace Force said they’d help as soon as they returned from a space mission that just came up.

For now, people are helping out their neighbors by bringing food and water to those stuck in their vehicles.  Some have even invited residents into their houses for the night.  “We have to look out for each other,” said Paula Urlacher, a retired teacher from Glendale.  “Someone has to with all the Terminator and Avatar cosplayers out there.”

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