by Karna Firaliz
GRAND AR’KA QUADRANT — In a surprising and puzzling move from the Grand Ar’ka quadrant of the Andromeda Galaxy, the dual-star solar system of Regis-5 has formally declared itself to be its own galaxy.
“We have multiple stars and multiple planets,” read the declaration from the Council of Regis-M’Ka, “so by definition, we meet the requirements of galaxy status. From this day forward, we respectfully ask that everyone refer to us by the Regis-5 Galaxy.”
The definition of galaxy in the universal dictionary does state “a galaxy is any system of multiple stars and multiple planets that inhabit a large universal space.” Indeed, the Regis-5 solar system does have two stars at its heart and 14 planets, and it is at least four times as large as the Earth’s solar system, but convincing other planets to call it a galaxy is going to be difficult.
“This is stupid,” said Prince Ko Mak Oh of the Loq Kingdom, a neighbor of the Regis-5 system. “Are they serious? These Regis-5 morons are the stupidest stupid hogs that ever hogged*.”
Prince Oh’s sentiments were shared by many regents in the Andromeda Galaxy but more eloquently stated. Queen Orfeel of the Trimorians called it “a ridiculous notion by an inferior star system.” Prime Minister Y’lop of Hrink said that Regence-5 was “attempting a power-grab of some sort” and “at best, this is just a rebranding.” And the Cortasi Grand Leader, who remains nameless, said, “I don’t care what they call themselves. I will eat out their eyes if they come near me**.”
The consensus among the rest of the Andromeda Galaxy is that Regis-5 is rebranding their solar system as a marketing strategy. The economy of the system has been declining in the past decade, and galaxies tend to bring in greater economic opportunities than single solar systems. “It’s a brilliant idea,” said Makii Q, economist from Loq Kingdom Academy of Hogs***. “Businesses want to brag about how many galaxies they are in, and this could be an easy hog for them to plunder with very little overhead.”
Currently, there is no committee or pangalactic council that designates what is and what isn’t a galaxy. If the new designation sticks, several more solar systems may follow suit. “Then what?” said Prince Oh. “Everyone’s going to be a hogging galaxy? Hey, guess what, my hand is a galaxy now! My [expletive] is galaxy! My six [expletives] are now the [expletive] Galaxy of Prince Oh’s [expletives]!”
* The Loq language is difficult to translate to English. The word “hog” here is an approximation of the original word.
** The Cortasi are an aggressive race that only eat eyes for food.
*** The Loq language contains words not found in English, so “Hogs” in this case is the closest assemblage of sounds for this word.