The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Donald Trump’s Hair Sues Donald Trump


File photo

By Falco Rockbert

NEW YORK – Business magnate Donald Trump is being sued by the unlikeliest of plaintiffs:  his hair.

As many had speculated, Donald Trump’s hair was indeed a sentient creature.  It was clearly not a natural hair formation for a human being, and either it was a separate animal atop his head or an unusual mutation.  Trump had always maintained that it was real, but that is not the case anymore.

The creature, who calls itself “Jimmy Gold” in the legal briefs, is suing Trump for what it deems as “gross negligence and mismanagement” of The Trump Organization, in which it claims a 40% ownership stake.  The lawsuit seems to have arisen from the recent actions of Trump to undermine President Obama’s authority and legal right to be president.  If the ownership stake is true, then Jimmy Gold would have a vested interest in how the Organization’s money was spent.  The various machines Trump has built to undermine Obama could not have been cheap, and that’s not counting the lawsuits Trump incurred from his stunt in New York a few months ago.  It is asking for a recoupment of money it says Trump “stole” from it as well as a buyout of his ownership stake.

Jimmy Gold is also asking for “emancipation from Trump’s head”.  How it came to be attached to Trump and where it came from were not addressed in the legal briefs.  But the briefs did indicate that Jimmy Gold had been attached to Trump for 27 years.

When asked for comment, Trump did not return our calls.  Jimmy Gold’s legal team also did not comment, and no court date has been set yet.