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Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

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By Dash Hamley

All-Star First Baseman for the New Romford Railers, Jay McMillan, is reportedly on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic accused of selling superpower drugs.

McMillan, who hit .338, 45 HR, and 156 RBI last season for the Railers, could not be reached for comment, but his agent flatly denied that his client has superpowers.  “It is ridiculous,” he said.  “This is unsubstantiated rumors about a shady business, and Jay has no connection to this place.”  Since it’s the offseason, McMillan is at his home in Texas.

Two years ago, the Railers signed McMillan to a seven-year, $156 million contract, and he’s been an elite player ever since he entered the majors in 2008.  He also has several endorsement deals, including Nike, Pepsi, Gatorade, Dick’s, and Gillette.  Forbes estimated that he made $56 million last year alone.

If convicted, McMillan not only would be banned from Major League Baseball, but he’d surely go to prison for at least 20 years, effectively ending his professional career.  Karl Owenberg, President of the New Romford Railers, came to his player’s defense.  “I know Jay,” he said, “and this isn’t something he’d do.  Ever.  I know him better than most people even in this organization.  I was there in Texas when he was playing college ball, I was there in Tampa Bay when he broke into the league, and I’ve been there ever since he signed with us.  He’s a good kid.”

By contrast, many commentators haven’t been so positive about the situation.  “McMillan’s good, but not that good,” said ESPN talking head and bridge troll, Skip Bayless.  “So of course, he’d use superpowers to get an edge because he’s a little punk who doesn’t deserve to be in the limelight like me, Skip Bayless.”

“By the way, why aren’t they releasing LeBron James’s name from that list yet?”

There has been no word as to if and when the other names will be released, but if the evidence gathered from Pinnacle is as solid as reported, then those names should become public very soon.