By Skip Daverman
MOSCOW – The giant space dog Laika, who returned from a decades-long trip through outer space, destroyed a farm 120 km east of Moscow with her slobber and rambunctiousness.
After she “hatched” from the asteroid that brought her back to Earth, Laika was taken to a military facility for study. The cause of her longevity and increased size is still unknown, but the Russian government assures that she is not radioactive or giving off any malignant radiation. After a few days of study in the facility, it was clear that she could not stay there, at least without destroying expensive equipment. She was moved to a state-run farm east of Moscow. Ural initially tried carrying Laika, but she squirmed too much. Instead, he just played fetch with her using a tree.
The plan was to give Laika enough space to exert her energy while scientists could study her. But she apparently got too excited. “She just likes everyone and everything too much,” one scientist said. “We try to take a measurement, and she covers us in slobber. We try to strap a collar around her neck, and she wants us to scratch her belly, and then when we do scratch her belly, we must fight off giant fleas. It is a disaster.”
Laika’s slobber has created several “ponds” throughout the farm, drowning equipment and occasionally people (albeit briefly) with her super-charged saliva glands, and her playfulness has destroyed farm and research equipment. Reportedly, she chewed on a tractor like it was a bone.
By all accounts, she seems nice. Laika has not shown any signs of aggression, and Ural stops by once a day to play with her. She could have returned angry and ready to take vengeance on a nation that shot her into space to die for science. “At the very least, she’s happy,” said the scientist. “Thankfully, she doesn’t know or remember being shot into space with no intent for her to return.”
“Well, unless she’s developed telepathy. Then we’re in trouble.”