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Chris Berman Stuck in Perpetual Nickname Loop

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By Dash Hamley

BRISTOL, Connecticut – ESPN anchor Chris Berman was admitted to the hospital today after entering a fevered state of nicknaming while in a production meeting.

Berman, the longtime anchor of Sunday NFL Countdown, is well known for giving professional athletes nicknames, usually through puns.  Some of his most creative nicknames are Bert “Be Home” Blyleven, Joseph “Live and Let” Addai, Sammy “Say It Ain’t” Sosa, and Jake “Daylight Come and You Gotta” Delhomme.  But today, while in a production meeting, Berman got on a roll with nicknaming NFL and MLB athletes and didn’t stop.

“At first, we were all like, ‘Dude’s just on a roll,’” said fellow anchor Stuart Scott.  “You know Chris.  Nicknames are his thing.  He started with Golden Tate ‘Warriors’, Tony Romo ‘Tomatoes’, Tom Brady ‘Bill’, and he just didn’t stop.”

In fact, Berman is still spouting nicknames right now in his hospital bed.  Doctors have yet to determine the cause of this strange malady, but they’re labeling it a “perpetual nickname loop” for the time being.  Several neurologists are being called in for a consultation.  Otherwise, Berman’s vitals are all normal.

“More or less, he’s fine,” said ESPN producer Laura McKinney.  “You can have a conversation with him so long as you’re willing to sit through each new nickname he rattles off every other word.”

A pair of ESPN interns is being stationed in Berman’s room to record every new nickname just in case one of them works.  A sample of the list includes:  “Brain Over” LeBron James, Sidney Crosby “Stills and Nash”, David “The” Price “Is Right”, Evan “Not the Actress, Eva” Longoria, Andrew “Lucky to be Alive Because of That Brain Tumor”, and Hunter “Two-Pence McGucker, Head Captain of the Hobo Empire, 1933-1935”.

“Those last few are really weird,” said intern Scott Watts, who did research Two-Pence McGucker and his reign in the Hobo Empire.  “But hey, I don’t know his process.  Maybe he really likes hobos.”