By Dash Hamley
In a stunning turn of events, 32 professional athletes have pleaded guilty to illegally obtaining superpowers via drugs sold by Pinnacle Health. Jay McMillan was the only athlete who did not plead guilty, choosing instead to fight against the DEA.
According to sources inside the DEA, the evidence against the athletes was conclusive and direct. There were photos, texts, recorded phone calls, and even video of the athletes either buying or proposing to buy superpower drugs from Pinnacle Health. Because they pleaded guilty, the athletes were able to get reduced sentences, but the number of years was not yet disclosed. They will also have to receive mandatory superpower-reversing treatments until they are fully human again.
The list of athletes includes prominent players from the MLB, NFL, and NBA: Cody Rodriguez from the San Diego Padres, Michael McNally from the Texas Rangers, Paul Blart and Aaron Morgan from the Cleveland Indians, Carl Heddiger from the Chicago Bears, and Mike van Epps from the Indiana Pacers. Naturally, each league has already banned every player from their respective sport, and any endorsement deals they had will surely be reviewed.
But Jay McMillan has not been banned from Major League Baseball just yet. He has chosen to fight the charges against him. “This doesn’t sound like a smart move,” said legal analyst Martin Laredo. “The evidence, which I’ve seen parts of it, against the other 32 athletes is very solid, so much so that they’ve all pleaded guilty to avoid lengthy sentences. I can’t imagine the DEA would have less than that for [McMillan].”
In other news, sports commentator and hateful bridge troll Skip Bayless reportedly threw a chair in the ESPN offices when LeBron James’s name was not included in the list.