by Karna Firaliz
HARULIA — A distant planet in the Crab Nebula has just received some of the first early television transmissions ever projected from Earth (with the aid of neighboring spaceways), and they reportedly love Earth culture. And Earthlings may not like the reason.
“These Earthlings are just talking Plaqars!” said one Harulian on their version of the internet. “My Grobnar, are you kidding me? Earthlings are actually Plaqars? That ups the fondul, positive!”
While the intricacies of Harulian slang are difficult to explain to non-Harulians, Plaqars are not. On Harulia, one of the non-sentient animals is a human-looking creature called a Plaqar. It crawls around on its four limbs, climbs trees, hangs down from the limbs when it urinates or defecates (oftentimes onto the vehicles of the Harulians), and is generally an annoying pest. They are one of the most hated animals on the planet, and they just happen to look exactly like a Caucasian Human from planet Earth.
“Pop pop pop!” said another Harulian, using their favorite slang version of “LOL”. “This is hilarious! Earth is actually run by walking, talking Plaqars? How have they not been conquered yet? For serious, Grobnar, juice them, positive fondul!”
“I’ve always thought Plaqars were cute,” said one Plaqar-loving Harulian, a small but vocal group of Plaqar-rights activists. “Their smooth, hairless bodies and weird grabby hands, I love them! I’ve had one as a pet, and once you train them not to [expletive] on your vehicle, they’re really quite grooval. Positive!”
Coincidentally, Harulians look exactly like giant walking, talking Earth rats, but they don’t seem fazed when told this. “We are whatever those things are called,” said an anonymous Harulian. “And I don’t feel any remorse for laughing at these dumb talking Plaqars. For serious, are these things real? The Jolophins aren’t pulling a prank on us with this fondul, right?”
The Jolophins, by the way, look like giant walking, talking Earth cats and have been at odds with Harulia for centuries.