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Black Hemlock Sells “Diabolical” Vegetables at Farmer’s Market

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File photo of Black Hemlock

File photo of Black Hemlock

by Chase Chapley

Plant-based supervillain, Black Hemlock, was arrested at a Dukes area farmer’s market today for selling “diabolical” vegetables, despite her protests that they were just organic.

The police were called in late in the morning as patrons to the Cloonyn Farmer’s Market began to recognize one of the sellers.  Wearing a wide-brimmed straw hat, sunglasses, and a full length floral dress, Irma Paisley, a.k.a. Black Hemlock, was selling several baskets of unknown vegetables.  “She was trying to keep a low profile,” said one witness, “but you can obviously tell who she was.  No one else has ivy growing around their hair like that.”

Paisley was selling kale and zucchini but also had unknown vegetables that she labeled “broccoquats,” “Crimson funions,” and “cabberge eggs”.   She claimed that they were new plant species she developed herself, and that freaked out everyone.  It didn’t help that the “Dandy Lions” moved.

“She tried to convince me that they weren’t moving,” said one patron, who wished to remain nameless, “but it was clearly moving.  I saw its mouth open and close.  I don’t care how tasty she thinks it is roasted with some olive oil and garlic.  I don’t want my vegetables screaming to death.”

When confronted by the police, Paisley explained that she had no evil plot here, but the police arrested her anyway.   To her credit, she didn’t put up a fight or disrupt the rest of the farmer’s market.  The police confiscated her “diabolical” vegetables (their words in their report) being careful to not get bitten by the “Dandy Lions”.

Some patrons came to her defense, though.  Erin Goodheart had already tried some of her vegetables with no apparent side effects.  “The broccoquats and Crimson funions were actually really good,” she said.  “I’m eating them just plain, and they’re a little sweet, they’re nice and crunchy, and so far, I haven’t been poisoned or anything.  I think she was really just trying to sell some new vegetables.”

Paisley’s lawyer has stated they will fight this false arrest in court, and he noted that Paisley has been a law-abiding citizen for the past three years.  “She’s turned over a new leaf, so to speak,” he said.  “I know this city has had many bad experiences with ‘reformed supervillains,’ but that prejudice must end now.”

Reportedly, the “Dandy Lions” are being kept in their own jail cell after they bit several other detainees in another cell.