By Dash Hamley
SACRAMENTO – Surprising researchers and the public at large, the NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, still technically exist as an NBA franchise despite the myth they ceased to exist years ago. The findings even came as a surprise to many who follow and report on the NBA.
“I really thought they didn’t exist anymore,” said Bill Simmons of ESPN and Grantland. “I vaguely remember them being in the Western Conference Finals one year against the Lakers and something with Shaq, but the rest is all fuzzy.”
“Mitch Richmond? Was that one of their players?”
How an NBA franchise that somehow dates back to 1923 in Rochester, New York, could ever be forgotten, even by the league around it, could not be explained by the researchers. “It’s impossible to explain,” said lead researcher, Gary Francis. “Even other NBA players who regularly play against the Kings every year forget that they exist after they’re done playing against them. Sometimes they forget even while playing against them.”
Magic (not the team or the famous basketball player) was the most likely explanation for this strange forgetfulness, but the researchers called in several spellcasters to detect magic residue only to come up empty. Then, they tried scanning players’ and reporters’ brains for any sign of memory tampering, again coming up empty. They also checked for space-time anomalies, red-light shifts, fungal brain spores, and Sasquatch droppings, but all came back negative.
“I have no clue how this happened,” said Francis. “Maybe the Sacramento…Kings? We’re talking about the Sacramento Kings, right? That’s what’s on my notes here. This forgetfulness must be happening to me as well. Maybe it’s just something to do with the team. They just haven’t left an impression on anyone in so long that people forgot they exist.”
“I’m sorry, who were we talking about again?”