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Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

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gilBy Muffy Borgeron

ATOM Labs has released an official report of Gil Heredia’s death from falling into a vat of chemicals several months ago.  The short answer:  don’t fall into a vat of chemicals.

Many superheroes and supervillains have been created by being exposed to a vast array of chemicals.  Speedster, Tara Target, and at least a dozen more are credited with chemical-based origin stories, and many more have been speculated upon though not confirmed.  Regardless, it is a common enough theme among superhumans that most people forget that these are isolated instances.

“People who do gain superpowers,” said the report, “are special people or were in the right place at the right time.  It seems that a person’s genetic structure has to allow random chemicals to seep in and bond with their DNA.  Or you need to splashed with just the right combination of chemicals or at least be struck with lightning or some outside energy while being exposed to chemicals.  As one might imagine, these are both rare cases, and Heredia was not one of those cases.”

“In conclusion, do not fall into vats of chemicals, and if you do fall into a vat of chemicals, or get splashed by chemicals, go see a doctor right away.  Do not wait for superpowers to manifest themselves or any kind of mutation to pop up.  You may gain superpowers or wings, but the likelihood is not in your favor.  Thank you.”

In response to Heredia’s death, Lauren Paladio, safety director at ATOM Labs, has removed all walkways that go over all vats of chemicals.  “I don’t even know why we have them,” she said.  “We have robots that can monitor them.”