By Skip Daverman
BOZEMAN, Montana – One of the Dinosaur Queen’s T-Rexes was caught by the Rocky Mountain Ranger inside the Museum of the Rockies after traveling thousands of miles in a cargo container.
The T-Rex, a general in the Dinosaur Queen’s army according to its armor, was apparently riding in a cargo container of a train ever since the Dino-Day Disaster in New Romford. It was not clear how it got itself into the container in the first place, or how a 15-foot tall dinosaur evaded detection for all these weeks, but it appeared that it was trying to get to the west coast.
The train that carried the T-Rex made a stop at the railyards in Laurel, Montana, about 10 miles west of Billings. The train had made a routine pit stop that lasted 30 minutes when a cargo container began to twitch. “They’re not supposed to twitch,” said Mark Engelman, the train’s engineer. “Then it rattled and came off its base and fell on the ground, and then poof! Out came a dinosaur!”
Using its powerful legs, the T-Rex busted open the back end of its container and wiggled out. Once free, it let out a thunderous roar that could be heard for miles away. It chased after every human it saw but thankfully was too impoverished to run straight. Witnesses said it looked hungry. Someone fired a shotgun at it, and the T-Rex charged them, unharmed by the shotgun spray. When the police arrived, the T-Rex ran away.
After tearing through a local Walmart, eating half of the meat in the deli, the T-Rex busted out the back door, evading police once again. “I’ve never seen a T-Rex run so fast,” said John Harmon, a Walmart employee. “Then again, I’ve never seen a T-Rex run, period. It must’ve been running 40 mph.”
Storming through Laurel and crushing a few houses along the way, the T-Rex ran westward along I-90 for several miles before running along the Yellowstone River. The police, highway patrol, and, by now, the National Guard were all in pursuit, but the dinosaur went down a ravine and was lost for several hours. The Rocky Mountain Ranger rode in from stopping a Grizzly bear uprising in Wyoming to assist on the search, and his flying robot horse, Gallatin, proved more effective. The Ranger found fresh dinosaur tracks, leading to the city of Bozeman, about 140 miles west of Laurel.
The Ranger and the National Guard flushed the T-Rex out of the forest into the open. Even with his unbreakable metallic lasso, the Ranger wasn’t able to hogtie the dinosaur. It flung its tail back at the Ranger, sending the superhero backwards several hundred feet. The T-Rex continued running, eventually making its way to the Museum of the Rockies on the Montana State University campus, where it attempted to blend in with the displays of dinosaur bones.
“That was its mistake, partner,” said the Ranger. “None of them varmints has any skin or muscles and whatnot. It was more than easy to spot him. Also, he got angry at see all them dead dino bones. Maybe one of them was his cousin or something.”
While Gallatin distracted the T-Rex, the Ranger snuck in from behind to hogtie the dinosaur, and this time, he was successful. Along with some knock-out gas from his belt, the Ranger subdued the T-Rex. The National Guard hauled the beast away, and despite the general fright experienced by the majority of residents in this small town, the Museum’s paleontologists were ecstatic.
“I’ve never seen an actual living dinosaur before,” said Professor Mary Diaz. “It was so exciting! I mean, sure, I was afraid that it would eat me when it was running around, but it was a living, breathing dinosaur! I’ve never felt so alive!”