The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

  • Home
  • Space
  • Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

By Karna Firaliz

ZATION V NEBULA – The Milky Way Report, issued about once every 2 Earth years by the Zation V Council, once again ranked Earth as the “Most Destructive Planet” in the galaxy.  This is the sixth time Earth has been ranked as such.

The Zation V Council surveys all known planets in the Milky Way and neighboring galaxies on categories such as wealth, education, health, technological advancement, species unification, galactic reach, and destructiveness to itself and the galaxy as a whole.  While Earth ranked in the top 50 for wealth and galactic reach, it did not even crack the top 1,000 for the other categories.  But destructiveness was the one category it led in, and it’s easy to see why.

“Earth, for some reason, lies at the nexus point for so many galactic conflicts,” read the report.  “They contain thousands of superpowered beings, many of which have abilities that literally tear at the fabric of spacetime, and some of whom are determined to do just that.  Earth is also home to no less than 12 galactic doomsday objects.  As such, they are also involved in many conflicts with beings from other planets for control of said doomsday objects or for revenge on any of their so-called ‘superheroes’.”

The report pointed out that, while its position in the galaxy secluded it from most inhabited planets in the galaxy, Earth still found ways to inject some of its superhumans into galactic affairs.  The Cardessian Space Portal was originally used to connect Cardess to Saturn’s moon, Titan, back in the 1960s, but with the space race between the US and USSR, Earth eventually found the portal and used it for its own purposes.  The Peace Force and the Amazings have also engaged in 6 off-planet wars just by themselves, and Professor George Quinton reportedly had an affair with Princess Jinora of the Xim Empire in the 1970s that he chalked up to “space sickness”.

Due to all of this, the title “Most Destructive” is a relative one.  The Cardessians, for instance, are more technologically advanced than Earth and have more galactic doomsday objects, but its empire is spread out over 34 planets and moons, along with its doomsday objects.

“Earth is just big enough to contain enough superpowered beings, doomsday objects, and lack of species unification,” read the report, “to warrant the destructiveness title.  Many of its nations are on the brink of ruin, and some of them contain those objects.  Couple that with the numerous conflicts that have nearly destroyed the galaxy and the universe, it’s a wonder Earth hasn’t blown up already and taken all of existence along with it.”

Earth’s leaders did not respond to the report.

Tags: