by Stan Hopewell
VENICE, Italy – Ronaldo Vescio, a.k.a. “Goo-Man” for obvious reasons, helped the city of Venice keep afloat by excreting over 15 tons of his personal “goo” into the city’s foundation.
Ten years ago, Vescio was drowned in toxic chemicals while trying to graffiti the inside of an active chemical factory in Berlin. He fell into the chemicals and was presumed dead for several weeks. Then, as the factory sifted through the chemicals, Vescio reconstituted himself into a liquid-like form that eventually turned sticky. For the next six years, he called himself “Goo-Man” and vandalized cities all over Western Europe. (Pisa is still trying to get the “goo” off of their Leaning Tower five years later.)
Now Vescio seems to be rehabilitated and is offering to “goo up,” in his words, anything that needs it. He touts his “goo” as being water-resistant, heat-resistant up to 280˚ C, and nuclear waste-resistant. And he’s charging a small fee for it, too.
“My goo is very easy to make,” he said on his website, Goo-Man.com. “It’s non-toxic and completely organic. It will patch up any leak, any crack quick and fast! One liter for only 1 Euro!”
The city of Venice heard about this, and after trying for centuries to keep their city from sinking into the Adriatic Sea, they gave Vescio a chance. So far, the “goo” is holding. Half of the city’s foundations have been “gooed up,” and after a month, they have held up.
“This young, disgusting, Goo-Man,” said Mayor Giorgio Orsoni, “has done what he promised, and our engineers have been studying this disgusting goo for stability. It is holding up very well, much better than expected. We still don’t have any idea how this goo works, but if it keeps the city above water, then this Goo-Man has our thanks.”
It should be noted that when Orsoni shook Vescio’s hand he was stuck to “Goo-Man” for seventeen hours. It wasn’t a pleasant experience for the mayor, according to sources.
Vescio is expected to be finished “gooing everything up” in the next month. If successful, he plans on spreading his “goo business” all across Europe, without shaking hands next time.