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Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

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By Karna Firaliz

ANNNKN – Hackers in the JNNKO Empire of the Andromeda Galaxy disabled billions of universal translators yesterday, wreaking havoc in over 300 star systems.

Like most intergalactic empires, the JNNKO use universal translators to automatically translate the languages of its people and the people they interact with on a daily basis.  The JNNKO Empire spans over 200 star systems by themselves but regularly do business with another 100 star systems, kingdoms, and empires.  While they don’t have any official languages, the JNNKO is known to speak over 5,000 languages.

Needless to say, universal translators are essential to run their empire.  With the translation network disabled, everything turned to chaos.

“Nobody here has learned a second language,” said JN-001, Language Coder and Decrypter for IONN, the leading communications provider for the empire.  “We’ve all grown up in an era where machines learn those languages for us, and some people barely know a first language.  The translators are so good they can translate guttural noises.  Some people just grunt at each other, and the translators make it understandable to anyone.”

The network went down yesterday at noon in the capital city, SUNNK, on ANNNKN.  The media and financial centers were first to notice the disruption, and the markets dropped 2.5 billion money points in one JNNKO Time Unit (about 50 Earth minutes).  Then the parliament went into disarray when lawmakers began to speak “gibberish” debating a new bill.  Schools, businesses, traffic, and interactions with the police descended into a chaotic mess.  Thousands of fights broke out over simple miscommunications.

The biggest problem was transportation.  The translators also translated signs on highways, and hundreds of mile-long traffic jams were reported everywhere on ANNNKN.  Then, there were the airships.  Without the translators, airships couldn’t communicate with the air traffic controllers.  Some airships were able to find an empty landing strip or platform, but many had to circle airports for hours.  Luckily, some of the older controllers spoke multiple languages and could communicate with the pilots to safely land every airship.

And this was just on ANNNKN.  The outer planets and spaceways in the JNNKO Empire weren’t quite as lucky as ANNNKN, which has a highly advanced infrastructure and varied populace.  The chaos on the other planets was much worse, resulting in thousands of injuries and trillions of monies in damages.  After about six JNNKO Time Units, the translation network was back online.  It was a costly day in the JNNKO Empire.

“The real question is who did this and why,” said JN-001.  “We have many enemies, but most of them would also be negatively affected by this as well.  We use the same translators for business and diplomatic relations.  A terrorist network could be possible, though if they wanted us to understand their message, this would be counterintuitive.  I’m hoping it’s just some dumb kids.  PLARG rest their souls.”

JNNKO Prime, the king of the JNNKO Empire, did not release a statement, but officials said they are investigating the hack and will punish the perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law.