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Giants Introduce Actual Dragon Burger to Menu

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By Dash Hamley

SAN FRANCISCO – Ballpark menus have expanded so much over the last ten years, from glazed doughnut hamburgers to bacon-wrapped sausages to Cleveland’s Fairy Wings (which weren’t actually made from fairies despite the rumors after the Great Fairy Infestation of 2008), but the Giants have stepped it up several notches.

Remember when the dragon from Earth-1,233 attacked the Bay Area and was killed by a giant fire extinguisher five years ago?  It’s been in cold storage since as scientists have studied it.  Apparently, they’re done studying it and have sold several tons of its meat to AT&T Park for ball games.

“Dragon meat has such a unique flavor,” said Bertolli’s head chef, Jim Bertolli.  “It has a wonderful umami component to it with just a hint of sweetness.  It’s unlike anything this world has ever tasted, and despite what you might think, it doesn’t have any heat to it.”

The Giants, and a few restaurants, have acquired several tons of the dragon meat, which was rigorously tested by health officials to make sure it wasn’t toxic.  The meat can be cooked and served like beef, and a Dragon Burger will set you back $20.  But Bertolli thinks that the opportunity to eat a dragon makes that a bargain.

“How often do you get to eat an actual dragon?” he said.  “You have to go back in time or go to another dimension or what have you, and who has that kind of cash?  Then you get there, and you have to kill the thing first, so yeah, $20 is a bargain if I do say so myself.”

The bigger question is how the dragon was sold to restaurants to be sold as food.  Scientists can study an animal’s carcass for decades depending on storage and condition of the carcass, and a rare specimen such as an Earth-1,233 dragon would keep a research institute busy for a very long time.  How did the dragon end up in the freezers of AT&T Park?

“Their lease for the giant freezer ran out,” said San Francisco Chronicle reporter, June Farrah.  “The scientists were keeping it in an arena-sized freezer for the past five years, but they didn’t own it.  They were paying millions of dollars just to store the thing, and they just couldn’t afford it anymore.  So, they sliced it up.  Granted, they kept all the important bits along with some of the muscle tissue for themselves, but the damn thing was just too big to store.”

Bertolli’s will introduce three different types of Dragon Burgers next year:  The Original Dragon Burger, The Fiery Chipotle Dragon Burger, and The Bacon Ranch Dragon Burger.  They will all come with fries and, in place of a toothpick, with a tiny plastic knight standing triumphantly on top of the bun.

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