By Julia Crumpleman
CLEVELAND, Ohio – A group of stupid adults filed a lawsuit against General Mills today, saying “Trix aren’t just for kids” and “adults need to stop being discriminated against.”
Four plaintiffs from Cleveland, Akron, and Erie, PA, who have been discussing this “issue” online for years, pooled together their life savings to bring this lawsuit to fruition. Jarles Mikkleson, 38, the lead plaintiff from Cleveland, said him and his “fellow adult cereal officionadoes [sic]” have been “wrongly discriminated against for years.”
“The cereal industry,” read the lawsuit, written by their lawyer, Kirk Magnussen, who works from his van as he cannot afford an office or home, “once began as a beacon for adult-themed health foods. Over the years, they evolved to a sweeter palette. Cocoaed puffs, frosted flakes, fruited pebbles, etc… They were made more appealing to children, and that’s a good thing. Everyone should enjoy milk-and-bowl-based breakfast foodstuffs. But the industry has forgotten its roots: adults. General Mills’ has made it explicit for years with their Trix cereal and its anti-adult slogan, ‘Trix are for kids.’ This is an insult to adults everywhere, and this discrimination must not stand.”
A General Mills spokesperson was baffled by the lawsuit as literally anyone of any age can buy and consume all of their cereals. “This is stupid,” the spokesperson said, who wished to remain anonymous because of “how stupid” this lawsuit is. “We don’t care if adults eat Trix. It’s just a silly advertising campaign. These people are stupid.”
The lawsuit is calling for the end of the advertising campaign, or at least a removal of the “Trix are for kids” line, and damages in the form of a lifetime supply of Trix for all four plaintiffs. Mikkleson said he and his stupid friends have felt belittled when they go to the supermarket to buy Trix, though they only offered anecdotes that could not be corroborated.
General Mills, legal experts, and non-stupid people everywhere expect this lawsuit to be dismissed by a judge within the next week.
Correction: an earlier version of this story had quotation marks around the word “stupid” when referring to the plaintiffs in this lawsuit. They have been removed because this is objectively stupid.