By Dash Hamley
FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – A meeting between the New England Patriots and the Lord Demon, Beelzebub, went “okay,” according to sources inside the Patriots organization.
It has been suspected for years that the relationship between the Patriots and Beelzebub has been more than just mutual admiration. Beelzebub has been a long time Patriots fan, going back to their 1986 Super Bowl loss to the Chicago Bears, and head coach Bill Belichick is well known for wearing the same style hoodie the demon has been wearing since the 1870s.
Now the Lord Demon has visited the Patriots organization personally, and team owner Robert Kraft, Belichick, and quarterback Tom Brady were reportedly all in the meeting. Sources inside the organization would not reveal their identities, not for fear of losing their jobs but for fear of losing their souls. But they said Beelzebub came to Gillette Stadium without an appointment and was “eerily calm and pleasant.” Kraft turned white when they shook hands.
The meeting lasted about 40 minutes and was punctuated by occasional bouts of deafening “screams of 1,000 lost souls” and flashes of fire that “didn’t burn the flesh but still burned nonetheless”. After a few minutes, practically everyone in Gillette Stadium was either trying to listen in on the meeting or running out of the building for safety. Sources who braved the screams and fire reported that Beelzebub was upset with the Patriots over the last year, supposedly referring to Deflategate, the recent report about Spygate, and the image of the Patriots organization as a whole.
Kraft, Belilchick, and Brady were “understandably frightened” throughout the meeting as they tried to reassure Beelzebub that nothing else would “go wrong.” They also reportedly promised to “keep their end of the bargain.” As the meeting came to a close, there was a bright flash of light in the meeting room that turned red and then black, and the stadium shook, knocking fixtures and pictures off walls. Then Beelzebub left the meeting room, and stadium, as calm and pleasant as he did when he entered.
Kraft and Belilchick supposedly had a third eye on their foreheads when they exited the room, but Patriots employees were later unsure about this as the eyes were clearly not on their foreheads seconds later on security tape. Brady seemed to be the most worried of the three but did not have a third eye. Instead, employees said he didn’t cast a shadow for the next three hours.
The following morning, Belilchick and Kraft would not comment on the Beelzebub meeting, and Brady was casting a shadow during practice. They were all “eerily calm and pleasant,” according to employees and teammates.