The New Romford Free Press

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National News Roundup

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By Stan Hopewell

FORT WORTH, Texas – A herd of 50-60 wild Minotaurs stampeded through the Jacksboro Highway yesterday, causing havoc for nearly 10 miles.  It’s not known why the Minotaurs were stampeding.  The 15-foot bull-man-beasts were running at top speed into the city and weren’t speaking in a human language.  Authorities tried to stop them with their guns and a couple National Guard tanks, but nothing was able to stop them.  Dallas-area superhero, Dynamite Jack, was able to redirect the Minotaurs down highway 287, and with the help of some well-placed dynamite and ramps, he was able to explode them into Lake Arlington.  As Minotaurs are terrible swimmers, it was easy to subdue them all with elephant tranquilizers and airlift back out into the wild.  Dynamite Jack said he was investigating what caused the stampede.

TUCSON, Arizona – After a chemical spill on Interstate 10 left 23 people in the hospital last week, a 18-month-old boy was given superpowers.  Unfortunately, for the parents, the boy’s superpowers are supersonic screams.  The parents have tried to cover up their son’s mouth as best they can as his screams can break glass 50 feet away.  They are currently at the University of Arizona, working with scientists on a way to muffle their son’s screams, and are open to suggestions from the superhero community.

CHICAGO, Illinois – Speedster rounded up the Rhino Gang from the Willis Tower (formerly the Sears Tower) this morning after a proposed business deal went bad.  Four members of the Rhino Gang were attempting to make a legitimate business deal with an unnamed investment group when the terms of the deal went out of favor of the Rhinos.  To make matters worse, one of the human investors made a remark about rhinos going extinct, which was particularly stupid since the Rhino Gang each weigh at least 1,000 pounds.  They attacked the investors and the security guards who tried to intervene.  The police emptied the building as best they could as the Rhino Gang took hostages.  Speedster, who happened to be running through Chicago at the time, zipped in and tied up the Rhinos with an unbreakable plastic rope, which she apparently carries with her.  Somehow, no one died, but dozens were injured.  The investors were arrested along with the Rhino Gang.

CASPER, Wyoming – The entire town of Casper vanished from the face of the Earth two days ago.  All of the roads in to the town still exist, but all of the people and buildings have vanished.  Governor Matt Mead has ordered all travelers to bypass any highway to Casper while the National Guard and scientists investigate from a safe distance.

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