By Falco Rockbert
ANTARCTICA – A research team exploring the frigid wastelands of the South Pole discovered a town of Yetis, who have apparently been living there for several centuries. The town, known as Yetisi, is home to at least 4,000 Yetis according to the researchers rough estimates. The exact age of the town is not known, but according to the Yetis, their ancestors left the Himalayas over a religious dispute and headed south. Subsisting on rocks, snow, penguins, and the occasional cannibalism, the Yetis have built a functioning democratic republic with several outposts throughout Antarctica. They don’t have a currency or any advanced technology beyond axes and frostbite, but they were peaceful and welcoming of the humans. “Despite living at the end of the world,” said one researcher, “they still had an understanding of historical and current events. And they made sure to let us know they knew how humans invade lands to exploit their resources, pointing out to the frozen desert each time. It was disconcerting.” The research team returned to their base camp safely and early.
LAGOS, Nigeria – A portal opened up over the skies of Lagos this morning, dropping 30 tons of what was later determined to be flour. The portal opened up 1,800 feet above the city, and the wind scattered the flour over a 6-mile radius. Despite clogging the engines of several cars and trucks and downing all airplanes, no one was injured in the “snow”. The portal closed up in 3 minutes, and scientists have not determined where the flour came from or who opened the portal.
LA PAZ, Bolivia – Bolivians were made aware of what Lake Titicaca sounds like in English yesterday. Some Bolivians became embarrassed by the sudden revelation while others came to appreciate the lake more than they previously did. Peru, who shares the lake, however, still did not get what all the fuss was about.
TORONTO, Canada — Tom South, a writer and urban hole explorer, has finished his latest exploration of all the urban holes in Canada. The three-year journey began in Vancouver and moved eastward to Halifax, ending in his hometown of Toronto. Eight years ago, South somehow became trapped in the water tank of the submarine ride at the West Edmonton Mall while it was empty for maintenance, and he recorded his three-day experience in his journals. Trapped in a Dumb Hole became a national bestseller, and he followed that up with “trapping” himself in the Mall of America for two month for his second book Mall of Despairica: The Cruel Capitalism and Literal Indian Graveyard Under the Mall of America. That book wasn’t as big of a success as his first, and the lawsuit from the Mall of America eventually had the book pulled from stores. With the encouragement from his editor, South returned to his roots and embarked on a detailed exploration of urban holes in Canada, and his new book, Holes: How to Defeat Them the Canadian Way, is slated to come out next year.