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Barry Melrose’s Hair Causes Oil Spill at ESPN Headquarters

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By Dash Hamley

BRISTOL, Connecticut —  NHL commentator, Barry Melrose, caused an oil spill in ESPN Headquarters and parking lot today after using too much product in his hair.

Melrose has been an on-air commentator for the NHL for several years, and his hair is always slicked back.  This hairstyle is not out of the ordinary for a former hockey player and head coach, as hockey hairstyles are generally terrible, sometimes on purpose.  Former Pittsburgh Penguin forward Klaus Klosterman, for instance, styled his hair in the form of bull horns to intimidate his opponents in the 70s and, occasionally, stabbed them.

Today, Melrose had used too much greasy styling gel to slick back his hair, and his scalp became oversaturated.  The oil stored up in his scalp could no longer be contained, according to his makeup artist, and it spewed forth from his head.  Gallons of oil sprayed throughout the ESPN Headquarters, covering nearly half of the offices, parts of the studios, and eventually, the parking lot.

All live ESPN programmings were abruptly suspended due to “technical difficulties”, as crew members and on-air hosts began to slip and slide on the oil.  Three cars got into an accident in the parking lot, and nearly 100 employees were drenched in oil.  Melrose and his makeup artist got the brunt of the spill.  Cafeteria employees used up their entire stockpile of Dawn dish soap to clean up employees, but they ran out of Dawn quickly.

The styling gel had apparently been absorbed into his scalp over the years and converted to pure oil.  How he was able to store thousands of gallons of oil in his body is a mystery that doctors are still trying to figure out, but after he was cleaned up, Melrose was noticeably thinner and weighed about 20 pounds less than normal.

ESPN would not comment on the incident, but most employees were sent home while cleaning crews went to work.  Some studios were unaffected by the spill, and live programming went back on air later that evening without any mention of the Barry Melrose oil spill.  To his credit, Melrose said he would pay for everyone’s dry cleaning bills.