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MLB Allows McMillan to Play as Long as He ‘Medicates’

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By Dash Hamley

Major League Baseball has ruled that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, can play baseball so long as he “medicates” on a daily basis.

“Too often our league has had to deal with players taking PEDs to gain an unfair advantage on the field,” read a statement by Commissioner Rob Manfred.  “Our rigorous testing has weeded out many of those players, and we’ve also tested players for superpowers, as they can give players an unfair advantage in a multitude of ways.”

“What we’ve encountered with Jay McMillan is unprecedented,” the statement continued.  “This is the first player who has taken drugs to suppress his God-given abilities to play baseball.  He went out of his way to make sure he was on a level playing field even though he has great strength and speed.  As long as Jay continues to take marostorzin with a proper prescription, he will be allowed to play baseball.”

The statement also reported that MLB couldn’t find any evidence that McMillan had let his superstrength and speed come out during his playing career.  But they will be testing him on a “regular basis” to determine if he’s gone off of marostorzin at any time, and if he does, he will be banned from baseball for life.

While the MLBPA strongly disagrees with the possibility of a permanent ban for a first-time offense, they recognize that superpowers are a new territory for them.  “We understand that Jay can lift cars and jump across wide chasms,” their statement said, “but we urge the commissioner to reconsider a lifetime ban for a first offense, even for one that hasn’t happened yet.  That said, we’re pleased Jay will be able to play baseball again.”

McMillan reportedly obtained marostorzin from Pinnacle Health in order to keep his superpowers a secret, but now in the open, he has found a legitimate doctor and private practice who will supply him with his “medication”.  Assuming he passes a physical administered by MLB, he will be allowed to play as soon as next week.