The New Romford Free Press

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National News Roundup 11.20.15


By Muffy Borgeron

DETROIT, Michigan – At least 300 abandoned homes have now been infested with dark bees, a species of bees from the Anti-Earth Dimension.  They’re slightly larger than normal honeybees, and as their name suggests, they’re darker in color and demeanor.  Their honey is toxic to humans, but some scientists propose it can be refined into a fuel source.  The city has blocked off the now-unabandoned homes for now while they develop a plan to get rid of the dark bees.  The police have urged citizens to steer clear of dark bees as they roam in packs and their stings will cause humans to disintegrate.

HONOLULU, Hawaii – The annual Yeti-Sasquatch Convention was interrupted yesterday when a pack of 20 Bigfoots stormed into the Hilton Waikiki Beach resort, unannounced.  The Bigfoots, from the forests of Oregon and western Washington, were upset at being snubbed from the Yeti-Sasquatch Convention for the 14th year in a row.  The Sasquatches, from British Columbia, northern Washington, and Idaho, have long been at odds with their southern ape-men, stemming from the infamous Patterson-Gimlin footage of a Bigfoot from 1967.

That footage was later deemed a hoax as neither Bigfoots nor Sasquatches look like the creature in the video, nor do they walk like that, but that didn’t matter.  After that video went public, humans were on the search for either, and they eventually forced both the Bigfoot and Sasquatch communities out of hiding.  The Sasquatches blame the Bigfoots for being sloppy and letting Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin see the Bigfoots in the wild, sparking the two humans to don a terrible facsimile of an ape-man to make the video.  The Bigfoots blames the Sasquatches for the same thing, and neither will back down.

Yesterday, the Bigfoots and Sasquatches got into a shouting match and then started punching each other.  The hotel’s security, which was beefed up for just such an occasion, was able to subdue and arrest all 20 Bigfoots and 13 Sasquatches.  The Yetis, for their part, stayed out of the fight as they’re Buddhists.

RENO, Nevada – The first annual Canine Poker Tournament began yesterday morning at the Atlantis Casino Resort with over 60 canine competitors.  The tournament is the first of its kind for dogs who have a long history of playing poker, long before the infamous C.M. Coolidge paintings immortalized this tradition in the early 20th century.  The event organizers expected at least 100 competitors, but that number was contingent on dogs getting past security at the airport to fly on their own as a passenger and not in storage.  Even still, for a first-year event, it’s generated a lot of excitement for the casino, and Mr. English Muffins is the heavy favorite to win it all.