By Dash Hamley
NEW YORK – Minor supervillain, The Disrupter, was arrested in his Bronx apartment on charges of using a time machine to bring the Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present, according to authorities.
Clancy McCarver was a minor supervillain known as The Disrupter in the early 90s before retiring in 2000. He has been arrested on several occasions for burglary, robbery, grand theft auto, flying with an unauthorized jetpack, and illegal laser weapons possession. His gimmick was that he “disrupted the natural order,” which usually involved flying around in his jetpack and firing lasers at random cars. He hasn’t donned The Disrupter costume since 2000 and has been working as a UPS delivery man for the past eight years.
Then, he allegedly built a time machine and brought ’97 Tiger Woods to the present yesterday.
“This guy does nothing for over a decade,” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt, “and he just comes out of nowhere with a time machine? For what? Tiger Woods in his golden age? There’s nothing in this guy’s past to suggest he was even a golf fan. He has a girlfriend. His life was on the up and up. Why would he do this?”
Naturally, these questions have been hurled at the PGA, who, just a week ago, had celebrated the retirement of our present Tiger Woods, even though he denied he was retiring.
“Look, I know people have suspicions, and those suspicions are reasonable,” said PGA CEO, Tim Finchem. “But we had nothing to do with this breach in the timeline. We here at the PGA love the past and would never do anything to ruin it. As for why we celebrated 2015 Woods’ retirement last week, that was a glitch in our computers, and it was an off week for our staff. So we were going to correct it when we got back, and then ’97 Woods happened, and we got distracted.”
As for how they found ’97 Woods, Finchem said, “He was standing in our office door, lost and confused. We knew something was wrong, so we consulted with scientists, and they said he was from ’97. So we take their word for it.”
Finchem wouldn’t answer any more questions, but he insisted that the PGA was cooperating with the NYPD, Peace Force, and the International Time Court. Meanwhile, no one has seen or heard anything from either Tiger Woods.