By Buffy Bolivar
HIMALAYAS – Dragon Head, a Tibetan martial arts temple deep in the Himalayas, has formally closed their doors to all Westerners because of how many think they’re “The One.”
“We are happy to open our doors to people of all nationalities,” said Crane Fist, the spokesperson for Dragon Head. “But the sheer number of Westerners—especially white people—who think they’re ‘The One’ has become a problem. They think they can come here and, without any formal training, become the master of our style. Their arrogance disrupts the students who come here for guidance, and the last five men destroyed dozens of ancient, irreplaceable artifacts during their training.”
Dragon Head was founded thousands of years ago by a nameless woman, who, as the legend goes, trained for a thousand days straight without sleep and gained ancient knowledge. Her fighting style was furious yet steady, and her kicks were so fast that they created fireballs. She was named Dragon Head by her followers and founded a school in the Himalayas, which was named in her honor. Now, that title is passed down from generation to generation, and every student is given a new name upon entering the temple.
And because of movies, hundreds of white Westerners think they can become the next Dragon Head.
“I don’t know what the obsession is with Western movies,” said Crane Fist, “but every white man thinks they’re ‘The One,’ so they come here and expect everything to come naturally. That’s preposterous. The original Dragon Head trained for one thousand days straight. That’s nearly three years of non-stop training, and no subsequent Dragon Head has earned the title that quickly. They get here, train for a few months, and drop out once they realize it’s not so easy. It’s insulting.”
“And they always break something ancient,” he continued. “Always. Just last week, one American broke the ancient gourds the original Dragon Head drank from while wrestling with another student. No respect.”
Currently, Dragon Head is accepting students from anywhere except Europe and North America, and they’re taking an extra long look at Australia while they’re at it. Also, they’re going to beef up their entrance exam for anyone who still thinks they’re “The One.”
“We’ll have to ask, ‘Were you born kicking fireballs?,’” said Crane Fist. “That should weed out the arrogant fools.”