The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Christian Scientists Announce New ‘Discovery’ in Prayer Healing

  • Home
  • National
  • Christian Scientists Announce New ‘Discovery’ in Prayer Healing

By Stan Hopewell

BOSTON – Max Olhman, a Director of the Christian Science Center, announced a new “discovery” in their prayer healing practices he promised would be a “dramatic improvement” over prior prayer healing methods.

“The previous prayers administered by our Christian Science practitioners worked,” said Olhman, “but they were not without their shortcomings.  So instead of having our followers silently argue with themselves to heal their ailments, we will administer a new improved prayer healing process from this day forward.  The new practice was discovered by myself and a team of Christian Science practitioners over the past decade, and we have already seen a dramatic improvement in the health and well-being of our members.”

Olhman was repeatedly asked in the press conference at The First Church of Christ, Scientist, what this new method was, but he never explained it in explicit terms.  “It’s a very personal process,” he said, “and it will be different for each person.  What I can tell you from personal experience that this discovery is a major turning point in our faith.”

Olhman would also not disclose how they made this discovery.

Actual scientists are skeptical of this discovery.  “They won’t disclose what they ‘discovered’ or what this new type of prayer will be,” said Clarence Torrant, a medical science professor at MIT.  “The only way you can know if a healing method works is by testing it out through the scientific method and sharing your discovery with others so they can test it.  So yes, I’m very skeptical.”

“The secrecy is all about trying to gain new members,” said Ian Dorkhund, a religious studies professor at Harvard.  “The Christian Science church has been losing members for a long time ever since medical science actually healed people.  I’m sure they’re being mysterious in order to pique people’s interests.”

“Though I will admit,” added Dorkhund, “I am curious as to what this ‘discovery’ is.  From a strictly academic perspective, of course.”

Olhman denied this was all a ploy to increase his church’s numbers.  “We’re just about helping people make peace with God,” he said.  “And this new discovery will help people do that more quickly.”