By Julia Crumpleman
NEW YORK – After Guy Fieri unveiled his latest culinary creation, The One-Bad Mamma-Jammin’ Bacon Burger with Donkey Sauce Jalapeño Poppers, Food Network Senior Vice President, Bob Tuschman, apologized for letting Guy Fieri loose on the American landscape.
“We thought Guy was just a fun, engaging person when we crowned him the Next Food Network Star [in season 2],” Tuschman said. “We’ve crowned many winners in that competition, and many of them haven’t stuck around for various reasons. Honestly, I thought Guy would be gone after a few years.”
Indeed, Fieri is now one of Food Network’s marquee celebrity personalities, hosting several shows and specials over the past 10 years. He’s also opened several restaurants in New York and Las Vegas, the former of which has received harsh reviews from the New York Times. It was at his New York restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, that he debuted his latest burger.
The One-Bad Mamma-Jammin’ Bacon Burger with Donkey Sauce Jalapeño Poppers is a beef patty filled with bacon bits, American Cheese, garlic, and habaneros, and it sits between eight slices of bacon (four on top and bottom) and is slathered in guacamole, pepper jack cheese sauce, and ranch dressing, and an onion ring somehow is wrapped around the patty. The bun is also said to be “injected with butter” for some reason. The Jalapeño Poppers are regular fried jalapeños poppers but with Fieri’s patented Donkey Sauce instead of cheese. Scientists are still trying to determine what is actually in his “Donkey Sauce,” and the restaurant provides a complimentary poncho to every patron who orders this “dish.”
“This is an abomination,” said Tuschman. “I don’t really understand how it happened, or why, but I think Guy is just throwing things together now, and that’s not what Food Network is about.”
It was this “abomination” that made Tuschman reassess everything he knew about Fieri.
“I know about all the criticism people have said about Guy,” he said, “and I didn’t pay attention. But now I see him for what he is. The dyed spikey hair, sunglasses, bowling shirts, and his dyed goatee, this is not how a respectable man in 40s dresses himself. This is a man-child who still thinks he’s in college. And now we’re stuck with him in a long term contract and can’t do anything about it.”
“So America, on behalf of Food Network, I apologize for Guy Fieri. My bad.”
Fieri was contacted for a response, but his representative said, “He can’t come to the phone right now as he’s swimming in his piles of money.”