By Dash Hamley
NEW YORK – Despite grave concerns over causing tears in the fabric of spacetime, the match between the Tiger Woods of the present and the year 1997 is still happening, and everyone is set to make billions off of it.
The PGA is reportedly making anywhere from $180-250 million from the “Tiger v. Tiger” match set to take place at Augusta National soon (date to be determined). Nike, Gatorade, Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s have scored lucrative endorsement deals, and EA Sports is already working on a special DLC for all of their golf games to allow players to play the “Tiger v. Tiger” match. ABC, ESPN, and The Golf Channel will broadcast the match with advertisement spots rivaling those of the Super Bowl, and Augusta National is selling tickets in the tens of thousands.
All of this without a word from present-day Tiger Woods confirming that he will partake in this match.
“This thing gets weirder by the hour,” said ESPN anchor, Scott Van Pelt. “You’d think present Tiger would have released a statement by now if he was against it. Yet he’s not stopping it, which begs the question, how much is he getting paid to play his younger self?”
“And I can’t believe I just uttered those words just now. Bonkers.”
Rumors from people inside the present-day Woods camp is that he will be paid handsomely for this match. They put the payment at $200 million “at least.” Considering present-day Woods’s dwindling career, it’s not hard to imagine him taking the check even if the circumstances are strange.
As for ’97 Woods, PGA representatives have reportedly kept him busy practicing at an undisclosed location. They’ve kept him away from the news as best they could but have indulged him by letting him play with an iPad. Sources said that while he’s confused by this experience, he’s “in good spirits.”
Once again, no one is listening to the scientists.
“Listen, I know that people from different time periods meet each other all the time,” said Dr. Amazing. “I know I’ve met at least a dozen of me. But I’ve studied the time machine that brought the younger Woods to the present, and it’s a mess of a time machine. Tachyons are all jumbled together, the chronometer is miscalibrated, and I can’t even tell what some of these particles its emitting right now, and I’m Dr. Amazing. Putting these two anywhere near each other without a full analysis, which may take months, is playing Russian roulette with spacetime.”
“I have a time machine in my lab, for pete’s sake. I can send the younger Woods back home right now.”
The PGA said they “understood Dr. Amazing’s concerns,” but also they “have everything under control.”