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General Murdoch Has History of Turning People Evil by Punching Them

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By Buffy Bolivar

NEW YORK – General Kurt Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General with questionable legal standing, is in hot water for sending his Black Force to attack the Xaggarian refugees, resulting in the refugees to fuse into one giant Xaggarian and fly away.  Now, the government is distancing itself from the General, releasing documents of similar incidents by Murdoch.

In 1988, the Omnimoth attacked Kansas City, MO, destroying over 400 city blocks.  The attack also killed 11 people and injured hundreds more, and in the official reports, General Murdoch’s Black Force killed Omnimoth after it began to attack.  But new documents show that Murdoch instigated the Omnimoth’s rampage when he and his Black Force aimed their rifles at it when it emerged from its pod.  Scientists monitoring the situations reported feeling threatened by Murdoch’s presence and said he escalated the situation to violence before they had a chance to talk with Omnimoth.

In 1983, another pod creature, Swamp Sam, was wandering around the bayous of Louisiana when Murdoch and his Black Force attacked him.  Swamp Sam used his swamp powers to escape and attacked Baton Rouge.  Murdoch was able to subdue him, and for the past 30 years, Swamp Sam has broken out of prison eight times and committed over 60 acts of theft, vandalism, and battery.

But according to newly released documents, Swamp Sam was originally Sam Spade, a 20 year-old mechanic with no criminal record before he was mutated by radioactive swamp gas.  When Murdoch found him in the bayou, Spade had just been mutated and was understandably confused.  Several soldiers reported Spade asked for help, but Murdoch ordered his men and the Black Force to attack.

And the worst incidence happened in 1994 when Murdoch sent Nilrem on his first crime spree.  Nilrem, the evil opposite of Merlin, appeared in our dimension for the first time outside of New Romford.  Initially, Nilrem was fascinated by our world, and his magical pranks were actually magical pranks that didn’t destroy our world or form giant mouths in the Twin Cities.  Then, Murdoch ordered his Black Force to attack, and Nilrem did not take it well.

The Nilrem Wars claimed the lives of over 300 people, and after his defeat at the hands of the Peace Force, Nilrem vowed to stay in this realm to enact his revenge.  Since then Nilrem has grown mad, and his pranks have become more crazed and erratic.  At least 150 people have died since the Nilrem Wars from his spells, and for some reason, the great magicians have not been able to expel him from our realm.  They suspect Nilrem can only leave of his own volition, and it’s possible he would’ve left already if Murdoch hadn’t been so hasty.

The government is currently searching for Murdoch, and his captured Black Force compatriots are being interrogated in military custody.  The Xaggarians have not been spotted since their encounter with Murdoch.

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