By Buffy Bolivar
SYDNEY, Australia – The giant feet descending over the Australian Outback have brought other body parts along with them.
Today, large gray cones appeared 30 miles behind each pair of feet. The most likely explanation is that the cones belong to the giant feet, and that they are tails. This does not bode well, as much as slowly descending gray giants can bode well for anything.
“See?” said Professor Stratosphere, who’s been monitoring the giant feet for the past two weeks. “This is what I was saying. We have no idea how humanoid these things are, and now they probably have tails. We have no idea what we’re dealing with here.”
The feet are now 24.14 km (15 miles) above the ground, and at their current rate, Professor Stratosphere believes they’ll touch ground sometime next year. This also assumes they won’t suddenly fall.
But the giant feet have become tourist attractions for the continent. Even with a 100 km (62.14 miles) perimeter around the feet, people can still see the feet for at least three times that distance.
“I know we see a lot of weird things in this world,” said Karl Monarchs from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who just happened to be vacationing in Australia this week, “but how often do you get to see something like this and not have to worry about getting killed? Back home, any crazy supervillain or alien or whozziwhazit just springs on you, and you don’t have any time to dodge. This is pretty freaky, but safe freaky.”
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has advised residents and tourists to stay well behind the perimeter for their own safety. “Yes, I know it’s very inviting to try to take a selfie with the feet,” he said. “But please be smart and stay safe. Quite frankly, I’m more than a little concerned that two pair of giant gray feet and, apparently tails now, are just floating over my country right now, so please, please be smart about this.”
As for residents who live in the perimeter zone, they’ve all been relocated elsewhere at the government’s expense, according to the government.