By Muffy Borgeron
PACIFIC OCEAN – In a surprising turn of events, only in that it doesn’t happen more often, a supervillain’s volcano base was destroyed by the volcano itself.
Colonel Calamity resided on his volcano base, Calamity Crater, for the past 40 years before yesterday’s eruption. Since the island is technically its own sovereign nation, the conniving Colonel is the head of state for 450-2,500 residents (depending on if he’s planning another world takeover), all of whom are his minions. It’s unknown how many people were on the island when the volcano erupted.
This is the first time in nearly 200 years since the volcano, Fire Death Island, erupted. Scientists thought it was an extinct volcano, and this was likely the reasoning for Colonel Calamity to build his base there and naming the previously unnamed island, Fire Death Island. Satellite images show that his mansion and much of the base was actually built into the crater of Fire Death Island, and now that crater has exploded.
“In retrospect, it was probably a terrible idea to build your house in a volcano,” said George Fukiyama, scientist at the U.S. Geological Survey in Honolulu. “Like, really, really stupid. We only think we know which volcanoes are extinct, and we’ve thought Fire Death Island might just be dormant since the 70s. I thought this guy was supposed to be a genius.”
Despite purporting an IQ of 3,544 (via a self-administered test), Colonel Calamity should’ve known this was likely to happen. In 1978, an earthquake cracked the crater, and the crack was filled up the next day by molten rock. In 1992, steam billowed out of the crater, and in 2005, the crater bulged upwards 12 feet before dropping down 24 feet. By all accounts, the signs for an eruption were there, but the allure of living in a volcano must be too much.
“It’s all about power,” said Mike Purdue, Supervillain Scholar at Columbia. “Seven other supervillains make their homes in or near volcanoes, and those are the ones without volcano powers. It’s a show of strength to live in a volcano. Who’s going to attack your island if it blows up on you while you’re on it?”
Thus far, this is the only volcano with a supervillain base to erupt, which is surprising.
“With all the experimental weapons they work with,” said Purdue, “eruptions should really be more common. These guys, and it’s always men doing this, are always trying to tap the power of volcanoes, usually by sticking things into the lava pit. Most of these places should be destroyed when you think about it.”
It’s unknown if Colonel Calamity was on the island during the eruption. Most experts agree he had an escape pod and that he used it to escape. Based on intelligence reports, Calamity Crater did not have escape pods for all of its minions.