The New Romford Free Press

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’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now


By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – It looks like the ’97 Tiger Woods, who was brought to the present through a time machine and dubious reasons, will be sticking around the present for a while.

After the disastrous end to the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match, the PGA, under supervision of Dr. Amazing and 24 federal agents, was set to send ’97 Tiger back to his time.  Dr. Amazing had brought his time portal to the PGA offices as part of a big send-off for the young Tiger Woods, and of course, it was televised.  It was a two-hour long special, highlighting the golfer’s achievements and journey into his future.  Then, they sent him off into the time portal.

And he bounced back.

The time portal wouldn’t accept ’97 Tiger for some reason.  No amount of fiddling with the controls or pushing Tiger into the portal could make him go away.  He was apparently stuck here.

“I don’t understand what’s going on, really,” said Dr. Amazing, the world’s foremost expert on time travel.  “And if I’m saying that, then you know it’s really unusual.  I’ve tried every setting and every possible avenue, and nothing.  He’s stuck here, I guess?”

The broadcast was cut off, and the young Tiger was reportedly whisked away for testing.  The PGA said they were having “technical difficulties” and would have “the good, young Tiger back to his time in no time.”

After the examination, Dr. Amazing only gave a brief assessment of the situation to a room full of reporters.  “We’re still working on the matter,” he said.  “But  we have some ideas, and we’re going to test them all out.  There’s no, uh, time table for this right now, and other time-related words and phrases.”  Clearly flustered by all of the reporters, Dr. Amazing flattened himself into a thin sheet of himself and scooted himself under a locked door.

The present-day Tiger was asked for comment on the situation but did not respond.