By Packie Williams
CHICAGO – Despite an extensive review of his deceased body, Paul Condorman, a.k.a. Condor-Man, has come back to life just ten days after he apparently died, the fastest resurrection ever recorded for a superhero.
Condor-Man died while engaged in combat with the supervillain Claymore ten days ago, and a Peace Force doctor examined his body to make sure it was indeed Condor-Man and not a clone, robot, or any number of deceptions. The doctor declared the body to be Condorman’s actual body and that he was actually deceased. But Condorman apparently had another superpower that not even he was aware of, which resurrected him.
“Paul has condor powers,” said Jocelyn Peters, the Peace Force doctor who examined his body, “and we just thought that meant he could talk to birds and find carcasses to eat. He always said he had a ‘condor-sense,’ and we just took him at his word that that was a thing. We always thought it was a danger awareness system or something along those lines, but I guess it can bring him back to life, too, which was a shock to Paul when he woke up in his coffin.”
“Well, I’m sure being covered in chemical burns probably freaked him out as much as the coffin did.”
Condorman’s “condor-sense” pulled his consciousness into another dimension, as far as Peace Force scientists can surmise, and somehow preserved his body without giving off any radiation or heat. When he awoke, he cried in agony, alerting a passerby above ground in the cemetery he was buried in. Condorman was dug out by a team of eight people, two groundskeepers and six people who happened to be at the cemetery.
Then, Condorman was exposed to the sun, which somehow healed his chemical burns and restored his health. Again, this was chalked up to his condor powers.
“I guess condors are really, really powerful?” said Peters. “You get hit by radiation, chemicals, and condor DNA, and apparently, you’ve got resurrection powers? I mean, I call [expletive] on all this, really. There’s probably something sinister going on here.”
“That makes more sense than ‘condor-sense.’”
Condorman didn’t respond to any media outlets for comments. The Peace Force has reunited him with his family, and he intends to retire from superheroing.