By Dash Hamley
NEW YORK – Apparently, the ’97 Tiger Woods is stuck here in the present because of the message Present Tiger snuck to him at Augusta National.
A couple weeks ago, the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match got underway at the famous Augusta National golf course, and the widely advertised event drew in millions of views and billions of dollars. The match was set up to prevent each Tiger from meeting each other. As the match progressed, ’97 Tiger was winning by a wide margin, and Present Tiger became frustrated. He broke away from his security guards and threw his club at ’97 Tiger before being tackled by security guards.
’97 Tiger kept that club, and it had a message inscribed on it. Reportedly, the message involves a date and some letters, but the significance of the message is unknown. But, apparently, it meant something to the younger Tiger.
“And now he can’t go back,” said Dr. Amazing in a press conference. “I don’t know how this happened. In all my years of time travel, gaining future knowledge has never prevented a time traveler from going back in time. Actually, with time travel, terms like ‘past,’ ‘present,’ and ‘future’ don’t really have much meaning as everything is relative to the traveler in question, but regardless, this is new to me! Which is exciting, for me, the scientist. It’s probably not as exciting to the Woodses. Or to the fabric of spacetime.”
Somehow, the message prevented ’97 Tiger from returning to the past, but equally puzzling, his unableness to return to his timeline hasn’t affected our timeline. We think.
“That’s another funny thing about time travel,” said Dr. Amazing. “If you’re not the time traveler or in some sort of time bubble, you never realize that the timeline has been reset. You just don’t experience it because you’re part of the timeline, so you have always experienced the timeline as it was. We’ve all been part of several alternate timelines over the years, but we only remember this one we’re in now. So if the ’97 Tiger can’t go home, as it were, then maybe this is just how our timeline is supposed to be going forward. Or not!”
Everyone in the press conference was mighty confused.
Regardless, the ’97 Tiger doesn’t seem to know the significance of the message, and Present Tiger isn’t responding to questions about the message. So for now, the Tiger Woods of the year 1997 is stuck in the present. The PGA will likely add him to the tour.