The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.


Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

By Julia Crumpleman Hello, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Bobby from way out in Carterson. How does magic work?  We all turned to barbarians.  I don’t know what that means, but my dad said it’s like Lord of the Rings, and I don’t really know what that is ether [sic].  What is Lord of the Rings? Well, Bobby, you got two questions in at once!  Normally, I don’t allow it, but I think… Read More

Lifestyle News Roundup: Another Jerk Show, Grown-Ups 3 ‘Plot,’ and A.I. Romance

by Julia Crumpleman Hollywood – Will  Arnett will star in yet another comedy as a jerk who is a jerk to everyone, but everyone still loves him for some reason.    The show is called I’m a Jerk, and I Hate You.  The first season will focus on his character’s dysfunctional relationship to his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and his coworker, all of whom he’s having sex with and are white.  The show is already picked… Read More

Food Network Exec Apologizes for Guy Fieri After His Latest Culinary ‘Abomination’

By Julia Crumpleman NEW YORK – After Guy Fieri unveiled his  latest culinary creation, The One-Bad Mamma-Jammin’ Bacon Burger with Donkey Sauce Jalapeño Poppers, Food Network Senior Vice President, Bob Tuschman, apologized for letting Guy Fieri loose on the American landscape. “We thought Guy was just a fun, engaging person when we crowned him the Next Food Network Star [in season 2],” Tuschman said.  “We’ve crowned many winners in that competition, and many of them… Read More

Stupid Adults File Lawsuit, Say “Trix Aren’t Just for Kids”

By Julia Crumpleman CLEVELAND, Ohio – A group of stupid adults filed a lawsuit against General Mills today, saying “Trix aren’t just for kids” and “adults need to stop being discriminated against.” Four plaintiffs from Cleveland, Akron, and Erie, PA, who have been discussing this “issue” online for years, pooled together their life savings to bring this lawsuit to fruition.  Jarles Mikkleson, 38, the lead plaintiff from Cleveland, said him and his “fellow adult cereal… Read More

Ask Julia: Why Don’t Superpeople Proclaim Themselves Anymore?

By Julia Crumpleman Behold!  I am your intrepid question-answerer, the Wise and Wonderful Julia Crumpleman!  Fellow inquisitive citizens submit their curious queries to me, and I seek out the rightful and true answers in this colossal column called Ask Julia!  Today’s question comes a truth seeker named Karla from Bradenton: Hey, Julia.  So my Dad and I were talking about superpeople back in his day (the 50s and 60s), and he remembers superpeople (both heroes… Read More

Feeling Pressure by Hardee’s and Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen Introduces Hot Dog Blizzard

  By Julia Crumpleman MINNEAPOLIS – First, Hardee’s introduced a hamburger with a hot dog on it.  Then, Pizza Hut debuted a pizza with hot dogs in the crust.  Now, apparently feeling the pressure to compete, Dairy Queen has introduced a hot dog Blizzard. “We realize this sounds odd,” said Dairy Queen VP of Marketing, Barry Westrum, “but hot dogs are the hot item today, no pun intended.  They’re the food of the summer, and… Read More

Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

By Julia Crumpleman Greetings once again, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Omoye in Cloonyn. Hi, whenever aliens come to Earth, they’re always wearing universal translators.  They’re able to speak to us in our language, and the humans with them wear those things, too.  They seem really useful for aliens, but why don’t we have those on Earth?  They’d be a lot of help! Omoye, you’re onto something here!  Just speaking for myself, I’d… Read More