The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.


Nate Silver Predicts 58% Chance for Second Date with Matthew

By Julia Crumpleman NEW YORK – Fivethirtyeight founder and statistician, Nate Silver, reported to friends today that his algorithms predicts a 58% chance for a second date with Matthew, with whom he went out on a date yesterday. According to friends and fellow Fivethirtyeight editors, Silver met Matthew, a legal assistant in Manhattan, at a charity event last week and “really hit it off.”  They exchanged numbers and went out to a small Spanish restaurant… Read More

Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

  By Julia Crumpleman Greetings, fellow history buffs!  Today’s question comes from Julia (hey, nice name!) from Frenchtown. So, I keep seeing all these superpeople go back in time for God knows what, and it got me thinking.  Why don’t we use time machines to learn about history?  I’m sure historians and archaeologists would like to know what happened in the past. Julia, that is a fantastic question!  It’s one I’ve often wondered about from… Read More

Kelsey Grammer Ends Hawaiian Curse

By Julia Crumpleman HONOLULU – After a series of strange incidents, actor Kelsey Grammer has ended the Hawaiian curse he was apparently under for a month. Back in May, Grammer fell into a cave while hiking with friends near his home in Hawaii.  What seemed like a minor incident led to a series of misfortunes for the actor, including stepping on dozens of rakes, insisting that his name was Dr. Frasier Crane, and, most recently,… Read More

Local Inventor Makes Reusable Anchors for Grappling Hooks

By Julia Crumpleman If you own a building in New Romford, especially a tall one, then you know the frustration of a superhero launching their grappling hooks into your roof.  The force needed to get a secure hold in the roof is enough to break masonry, and it often does.  Building owners citywide know the pain of having to repair their roves, but local inventor, Jared Hoffstetter, has a plan to save them money and… Read More

Kelsey Grammer Insists Everyone Call Him Frasier

By Julia Crumpleman HOLLYWOOD – In yet another bizarre series of incidents, actor Kelsey Grammer is insisting everyone call him “Frasier” even though he hasn’t played that character since 2004. While doing an interview with Extra for his new show, Montgomery, Grammer told the reporter, Angela Michaels, several times to call him “Frasier” or “Dr. Crane”.  At first Michaels thought he was joking, but he kept insisting that was his real name.  Michaels became increasingly… Read More

Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

By Julia Crumpleman Greetings, fellow humans!  Today’s question is an interstellar one from Pablo in North Hills: I was wondering if superheroes were just an Earth thing, or if other planets had them as well? Well, Pablo, you’re in luck!  The New Romford Free Press recently hired a space correspondent from a far-off planet, Karna Firaliz.  I sent your question off to him, and a few weeks later, I was able to get a response. … Read More

New Romford Begins New Promotional Campaign

by Julia Crumpelman Sensing a need to attract new businesses and residents, the City of New Romford has unveiled a promotional campaign to highlight the good things about living in a city constantly besieged by supervillains. The campaign, “Life in New Romford,” will distribute posters, billboards, and television, radio, internet, and psychic ads all across the U.S., Canada, Mexico, and Europe.  “Understandably,” said Chamber of Commerce Head, Idara Mulholland, “people are hesitant to come to… Read More