The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

‘National’

After Extensive Review, Condor-Man Declared Officially Dead

By Packie Williams CHICAGO – The superhero Condor-Man was seemingly killed in an explosion chasing Claymore through a factory last week, and after extensive review, Condor-Man has been declared officially dead. Paul Condorman, 39, was a graduate student at Northwestern University, studying under Dr. Ian Langford, a biochemist, when he was exposed to radiation, a mixture of chemicals, and condor DNA in a freak accident in his lab 18 years ago.  The accident, which was… Read More

Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

By Buffy Bolivar MARS, North Dakota – The Martians of North Dakota no longer own the land given to them by the U.S. government nearly 70 years ago.  Oil companies have bought their land. With western North Dakota in the throes of an oil boom, all the major oil companies have bought large plots of land.  Human farmers have become millionaires over the past decade, and now the oil companies are expanding.  Their latest purchase… Read More

General Murdoch Has History of Turning People Evil by Punching Them

By Buffy Bolivar NEW YORK – General Kurt Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General with questionable legal standing, is in hot water for sending his Black Force to attack the Xaggarian refugees, resulting in the refugees to fuse into one giant Xaggarian and fly away.  Now, the government is distancing itself from the General, releasing documents of similar incidents by Murdoch. In 1988, the Omnimoth attacked Kansas City, MO, destroying over 400 city blocks.  The attack… Read More

Pod People Were Peaceful Refugees Until Superheroes Punched Them

By Buffy Bolivar NEW YORK – The 20 glowing cocoons, or pods depending on your definition, that were fished out of the Hudson River hatched yesterday.  The beings who emerged were peaceful refugees from the planet Xaggar, or at least they were until the superheroes punched them. Dr. Kimiko Kashani of Columbia University had been monitoring the glowing pods in her laboratory, and yesterday, the beings inside emerged from what were actually organic escape pods. … Read More

LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

By Buffy Bolivar LOS ANGELES – Chaos continues to reign in the Greater Los Angeles Nations as birds attack bats, the Disney Lands take over Knott’s Berry Republic, and the Breach grows.  The Amazings are set to arrive in Los Angeles tomorrow, bringing much needed help to a region that continues to get weirder by the day. The nation known as Aviania has been blanketed by birds for the past week.  From seagulls to pigeons… Read More

Christian Scientists Announce New ‘Discovery’ in Prayer Healing

By Stan Hopewell BOSTON – Max Olhman, a Director of the Christian Science Center, announced a new “discovery” in their prayer healing practices he promised would be a “dramatic improvement” over prior prayer healing methods. “The previous prayers administered by our Christian Science practitioners worked,” said Olhman, “but they were not without their shortcomings.  So instead of having our followers silently argue with themselves to heal their ailments, we will administer a new improved prayer… Read More

Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

By Chase Chapley A report released today by the Superhuman Bureau of Statistics said that 78% of intra-superhero battles are due to “misunderstandings” among the combatants. The SBS researched 50 years of intra-superhero battles from all known battles recorded in their archives, which are widely considered to be the most comprehensive data source for superhuman activities in the world.  They defined “intra-superhero battles” as “consisting of at least two superheroes,” and they included combatants who… Read More