The New Romford Free Press

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Space News Roundup 7.28.15

By Karna Firaliz OORT CLOUD – Local Group Police (LGP) have arrested 230 sentient beings and their hideous steeds on suspicion of plotting a quantillium shipment that was due to come through the Oort Cloud two Earth weeks from now.  The sentient beings, a mixture of several space pirate brigades, galaxy drifters, and anti-matter bandits, were hiding out on the various planetesimals, and somehow hid their steeds (interstellar whales, snakes, and a smattering of living… Read More

Scientist Warns Against Throwing Nuclear Weapons into Sun

By Karna Firaliz UOP, Milky Way Galaxy – A leading scientist on planet Uop in the Saggitarius Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy warned his planet’s governments to stop throwing nuclear weapons into their sun for fear of destabilizing it. Aem Jil’mo, one of Uop’s leading physicists, submitted his findings to his nation’s Supreme Council.  “We’ve successfully removed tons of our planet’s nuclear waste via dumping it into our sun,” his report read.  “So far,… Read More

Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

By Karna Firaliz ANNNKN – Hackers in the JNNKO Empire of the Andromeda Galaxy disabled billions of universal translators yesterday, wreaking havoc in over 300 star systems. Like most intergalactic empires, the JNNKO use universal translators to automatically translate the languages of its people and the people they interact with on a daily basis.  The JNNKO Empire spans over 200 star systems by themselves but regularly do business with another 100 star systems, kingdoms, and… Read More

Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

By Karna Firaliz ZATION V NEBULA – The Milky Way Report, issued about once every 2 Earth years by the Zation V Council, once again ranked Earth as the “Most Destructive Planet” in the galaxy.  This is the sixth time Earth has been ranked as such. The Zation V Council surveys all known planets in the Milky Way and neighboring galaxies on categories such as wealth, education, health, technological advancement, species unification, galactic reach, and… Read More

Planet Harulia Loves Earth Culture for This Weird Reason

by Karna Firaliz HARULIA — A distant planet in the Crab Nebula has just received some of the first early television transmissions ever projected from Earth (with the aid of neighboring spaceways), and they reportedly love Earth culture.  And Earthlings may not like the reason. “These Earthlings are just talking Plaqars!” said one Harulian on their version of the internet.  “My Grobnar, are you kidding me?  Earthlings are actually Plaqars?  That ups the fondul, positive!”… Read More

Besides Walking Trees, Cosmic Rays Pass By Harmlessly

By Chase Chapley The cosmic rays that hit Earth yesterday passed by without much damage apart from the walking trees of Loyalsock State Forest in northern Pennsylvania. ATOM Labs saw that a cloud of cosmic radiation was headed toward Earth last week and predicted they’d hit our planet yesterday somewhere between 5:00 am and early this morning in a large area of the Eastern Coast. What was expected to be an off day for much… Read More

‘Asteroidball’ League’s Planetary Destruction Rate Up 20%

by Karna Firaliz PLON QUADRANT, Cornac Galaxy — The intergalactic sport, Ch’chup, a.k.a. “Asteroidball,” is one of the most popular sports in the known universe.  It’s fast-paced action and elaborate space strategies has propelled eight professional leagues into the top grossing entertainments across thirteen galaxies.  But there has always been collateral damage from each match, and more and more planets are getting destroyed along the way. According to the Intergalactic Sporting Authority (ISA), which regulates… Read More