The New Romford Free Press

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‘Sports’

Barry Melrose’s Hair Causes Oil Spill at ESPN Headquarters

By Dash Hamley BRISTOL, Connecticut —  NHL commentator, Barry Melrose, caused an oil spill in ESPN Headquarters and parking lot today after using too much product in his hair. Melrose has been an on-air commentator for the NHL for several years, and his hair is always slicked back.  This hairstyle is not out of the ordinary for a former hockey player and head coach, as hockey hairstyles are generally terrible, sometimes on purpose.  Former Pittsburgh… Read More

PGA Introduce ’97 Tiger Woods to Present Timeline

By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – In a surprising move that will surely test numerous laws, the PGA has introduced Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present timeline. PGA CEO, Tim Finchem, introduced the younger Woods at a press conference in New York.  This Woods has just won the 1997 Masters Tournament, and he was somehow brought from the past to the present.  Finchem offered the briefest of explanations for this. “A third party,” he… Read More

Patriots Meet with Lord Demon, Beelzebub, Possibly Lose Their Souls

By Dash Hamley FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – A meeting between the New England Patriots and the Lord Demon, Beelzebub, went “okay,” according to sources inside the Patriots organization. It has been suspected for years that the relationship between the Patriots and Beelzebub has been more than just mutual admiration.  Beelzebub has been a long time Patriots fan, going back to their 1986 Super Bowl loss to the Chicago Bears, and head coach Bill Belichick is well… Read More

Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

By Dash Hamley After a thorough investigation, the DEA has determined that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, does have natural superpowers. McMillan, according to the DEA, was born with level 3 superstrength and level 2 superspeed.  While the leveling system for superpowers is disputed, it is clear that McMillan can lift cars, jump 30-foot distances, and run 100 meters in 7.4 seconds.  By comparison, Adonis is considered to be at least level 9… Read More

Pitching Prospect Gets Preemptive Tommy John Surgery to ‘Get It Out of the Way’

By Dash Hamley DALLAS – Texas Rangers pitching prospect, Matt Copland, is known for throwing a 100-mph fastball and a nasty 75-mph curveball that leaves batters swinging at air more often than not.  Now, the 21 year-old double-A pitcher is taking an unusual step in his career:  preemptive Tommy John surgery. That’s right.  He announced yesterday that he’s getting Tommy John surgery “out of the way.” “I throw 100-mph for at least half my pitches,”… Read More

PGA Celebrates Tiger Woods’s Retirement Despite Woods Not Retiring

By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – The PGA celebrated the retirement of Tiger Woods this morning, despite the fact Tiger Woods hasn’t actually retired. “Tiger has been an integral player in PGA Tour history,” read a statement.  “Who could forget Tiger’s historic win at the Masters in 1997?  He’s generated so much excitement in golf, and we are sad to see him go.  We wish him well in his future endeavors.” This statement came from… Read More

Giants Introduce Actual Dragon Burger to Menu

By Dash Hamley SAN FRANCISCO – Ballpark menus have expanded so much over the last ten years, from glazed doughnut hamburgers to bacon-wrapped sausages to Cleveland’s Fairy Wings (which weren’t actually made from fairies despite the rumors after the Great Fairy Infestation of 2008), but the Giants have stepped it up several notches. Remember when the dragon from Earth-1,233 attacked the Bay Area and was killed by a giant fire extinguisher five years ago?  It’s… Read More