The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

‘Sports’

NBA Considering Expansion Team in New Mexico; Seattle Furious

By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – According to sources, the NBA is considering a proposal to add an expansion team in Albuquerque, New Mexico, in order to be the only major sports league to have a team in every Four Corner state.  Seattle is furious. Currently, the NBA has a team in Phoenix (the Suns), Salt Lake City (the Jazz), and Denver (the Nuggets).  Neither the city of Albuquerque nor the state of New Mexico… Read More

Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

By Dash Hamley SACRAMENTO – Surprising researchers and the public at large, the NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, still technically exist as an NBA franchise despite the myth they ceased to exist years ago.  The findings even came as a surprise to many who follow and report on the NBA. “I really thought they didn’t exist anymore,” said Bill Simmons of ESPN and Grantland.  “I vaguely remember them being in the Western Conference Finals one… Read More

Report: Several Universities Are Fronts for For-Profit Football Teams

by Dash Hamley NEW YORK — In a recently published report investigating over 400 universities, 64% were found to be fronts for their for-profit football teams.  The NCAA declined to comment. The “universities,” including Auburn, Alabama, Oregon, Florida, Florida State, Northwestern, and, surprisingly, Stanford, were found to be fronts for their football teams.  The “professors,” “classes,” “dorms,” and “diplomas” were all fake as well.  None were accredited with the government, and their “professors” were actors… Read More

McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

By Dash Hamley In yet another stunning turn of events in the Pinnacle Health scandal, Jay McMillan, first baseman for the New Romford Railers, released a statement this morning revealing that he did purchase drugs from Jared Mendoza but not to gain superpowers.  Rather, he claims to have used drugs to suppress his own natural superpowers. “Ever since I was a boy,” McMillan said in his statement, “I was always stronger and faster than everyone… Read More

32 Athletes Plead Guilty to Using Superpowers

By Dash Hamley In a stunning turn of events, 32 professional athletes have pleaded guilty to illegally obtaining superpowers via drugs sold by Pinnacle Health.  Jay McMillan was the only athlete who did not plead guilty, choosing instead to fight against the DEA. According to sources inside the DEA, the evidence against the athletes was conclusive and direct.  There were photos, texts, recorded phone calls, and even video of the athletes either buying or proposing… Read More

Chris Berman Stuck in Perpetual Nickname Loop

By Dash Hamley BRISTOL, Connecticut – ESPN anchor Chris Berman was admitted to the hospital today after entering a fevered state of nicknaming while in a production meeting. Berman, the longtime anchor of Sunday NFL Countdown, is well known for giving professional athletes nicknames, usually through puns.  Some of his most creative nicknames are Bert “Be Home” Blyleven, Joseph “Live and Let” Addai, Sammy “Say It Ain’t” Sosa, and Jake “Daylight Come and You Gotta”… Read More

Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

By Dash Hamley All-Star First Baseman for the New Romford Railers, Jay McMillan, is reportedly on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic accused of selling superpower drugs. McMillan, who hit .338, 45 HR, and 156 RBI last season for the Railers, could not be reached for comment, but his agent flatly denied that his client has superpowers.  “It is ridiculous,” he said.  “This is unsubstantiated rumors about a shady business,… Read More