The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.


Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

By Dash Hamley CHICAGO – Chicago Bulls guard, Derrick Rose, who has battled several knee injuries over the past couple years, denied accusations that he’s using the legs of a clone in his latest comeback. “It’s just ridiculous,” said Rose.  “I’ve worked so hard to come back from surgery.  It’s one thing to be accused of using steroids, but this doesn’t even make sense.” The accusation came from many in the locker room and the… Read More

‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

By Dash Hamley According to sources within the DEA, there are “at least” 30 professional athletes, from the MLB, NFL, and NBA, on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic in White Valley.  The sources could not name any names yet, but five names are “major athletes” with huge contracts and endorsement deals.  Needless to say, the sports world has been rocked to its core. “If this is true,” said sports… Read More

Pinnacle Health Raided by Authorities

By Dash Hamley Pinnacle Health, a sports and wellness clinic in White Valley, was raided by local police and the DEA today on suspicion of selling superpower drugs.  Jared Mendoza, owner of Pinnacle Health, was also arrested as were his staff members.  He employed at least twelve people, but only five were on the premises at the time of the raid. Mendoza is being accused of selling and distributing superpower drugs, which is a class-A… Read More

Jim Harbaugh Follows Strict Whining Regimen in Offseason

By Dash Hamley SANTA CLARA – San Francisco 49ers head coach, Jim Harbaugh, has much to prepare for in the offseason:  refining his program, indoctrinating rookies and new players, and planning the practice schedules.  Most of his work is to lead the team, but during the offseason, Harbaugh does something for himself.  He keeps up a strict whining regimen. “It’s just one of the things that’s part of my game,” said Harbaugh.  “First thing I… Read More

Wrigley Field Ivy Still Acting Up

By Dash Hamley CHICAGO – The infamous ivy at Wrigley Field is still acting up against its own team. Last season, the ivy mysteriously became sentient and mischievous towards the Chicago Cubs in a game against the Houston Astros.  It swatted away fly balls before the Cubs players could catch them, held the ball in its ivy, and even tripped up the Cubs players.  Major League Baseball cancelled the remaining few games and hired special… Read More

Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

By Dash Hamely JACKSONVILLE – Former college football star, ex-NFL backup quarterback, and current football commentator, Tim Tebow, has been lobbying the science community to let him travel to alternate dimensions with the hope that he can play in an NFL. “I just want a chance is all,” Tebow said.  “I’ve wanted to play quarterback in the NFL all my life, and I just want the opportunity, you know.” Tebow last played with the New… Read More

John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

By Dash Hamley MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in his castle atop the highest peak in California. A coalition of former and current athletes, who were featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the… Read More