The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.


Pacifica Wins Election, Independence

  By Stan Hopewell ATLANTIS —  In a historic election, Pacifica has won its independence in a landslide victory, 68% pro-independence, 30% anti-independence, 2% indifferent. After the revelation of Atlantean General Jor Q’Rell staging the Laval attack on the Atlantis-Pacifica meeting, and possible time travel shenanigans, King Morn A’Ganor of Atlantis agreed to hold an election to determine the fate of Pacifican independence.  Some political observers worried that two weeks was too little time to… Read More

Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

By Buffy Bolivar SYDNEY, Australia – It took the giant gray feet and tails a month to descend nearly 500 feet from their portals in the sky, and in an abrupt turn of events, they retreated and disappeared in three minutes. “We’ve been monitoring them closely,” said Professor Stratosphere, “and they’ve been descending at a constant rate of about a centimeter per day.  Then, for some reason, they just stopped and ascended very quickly.  And… Read More

Overseer Says He’s ‘On Vacation’; People Freak Out When He Appears

By Buffy Bolivar PARIS – The Overseer, the giant-headed observer of our planet, is apparently “on vacation…traveling around Earth for fun,” and people are freaking out whenever he appears. The Overseer explained in a press conference in Paris today that he is “simply on vacation.”  For the past week, he has appeared at Mt. Fuji, the Taj Mahal, the Great Pyramids, and yesterday, the Eiffel Tower.   Each appearance has caused people to freak out because… Read More

Supervillain Volcano Base Destroyed When Volcano Erupts

By Muffy Borgeron PACIFIC OCEAN – In a surprising turn of events, only in that it doesn’t happen more often, a supervillain’s volcano base was destroyed by the volcano itself. Colonel Calamity resided on his volcano base, Calamity Crater, for the past 40 years before yesterday’s eruption.  Since the island is technically its own sovereign nation, the conniving Colonel is the head of state for 450-2,500 residents (depending on if he’s planning another world takeover),… Read More

Atlantean General Behind Laval Attack, Arrested; Elections to Be Held in 2 Weeks

By Skip Daverman PANAMA CANAL – In an abrupt turn of events, a rogue Atlantean General was arrested for staging the Laval attack on the Atlantis-Pacifica meetings, and King Morn A’Ganor has agreed to holding an election for Pacifica’s independence two weeks from now. With the aid of Adonis, Titana, and Micro-Man, who’s been in hiding during the investigation into the attack, Atlantean and Pacifican forces joined together to arrest Jor Q’Rell, a high-ranking General… Read More

World News: Dictators’ Statement, Garbage Island Community, and Beatles Ghosts

by Falco Rockbert Geneva – The world’s dictators released a joint statement to promote the good things they do for their nations.  “We do more than just make the trains run on time,” said the statement, and the rest of the statement promoted their marginal improvements in human rights (“Political prisoner rates have dropped 15% in the past five years.”), technological advancements (“We have upgraded all of our computers to DSL modems.”), and potato yields… Read More

Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

By Skip Daverman CLUJ – In a bold move, the Lupine Nation in Transylvania tried, and failed, to form a coalition with the aspiring nations of Pacifica and Asimovia a week ago. The report, published in a Transylvanian newspaper, showed several emails, texts, and phone conversations initiated by the Lupine Nation, which represents the werewolf population in Transylvania.  The conversations were sent out to leaders in the underwater nation of Pacifica, which is working to… Read More