The New Romford Free Press

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Condor-Man Comes Back to Life in Record Time

By Packie Williams CHICAGO – Despite an extensive review of his deceased body, Paul Condorman, a.k.a. Condor-Man, has come back to life just ten days after he apparently died, the fastest resurrection ever recorded for a superhero. Condor-Man died while engaged in combat with the supervillain Claymore ten days ago, and a Peace Force doctor examined his body to make sure it was indeed Condor-Man and not a clone, robot, or any number of deceptions. … Read More

BREAKING: Titana and Positron Destroy Barbarian Orb, Return City to Normal (Again) (For Now)

By Chase Chapley After tangling with barbarians at the Seaside Castle, Titana and Positron destroyed a barbarian orb by throwing it into the sun, returning the city and citizens back to normal (again). Hundreds of people magically turned back into barbarians tonight after prolonged exposure to various barbarian artifacts left over from Vrog’s brief reign over New Romford.  They became violent and began to loot and pillage as they headed to the Seaside Castle.  The… Read More

BREAKING: People Have Turned Back Into Barbarians on Halloween; Not A Prank

By Chase Chapley The NRPD and Peace Force are reporting that people who have come into prolonged contact with the Seaside Castle or any barbarian objects have turned back into barbarians.  They are congregating at the Seaside Castle right now, and even though this is Halloween weekend, this is not a prank. Ever since Vrog was defeated some time ago, various barbarian artifacts have been found across the city, primarily in Dukes.  The Seaside Castle… Read More

Martian-Americans Arrested for “Cheating” in Vegas

By Buffy Bolivar LAS VEGAS – Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested for cheating at several blackjack tables at the Rio Hotel & Casino using “Martian powers,” which they do not possess. After selling their land to oil companies, the Martian-Americans of North Dakota were flush with cash.  Some are traveling the world, some have relocated to Miami and New York, and some have moved to Las Vegas.  Over the past several weeks, they’ve become world-class gamblers. … Read More

‘Reboot Man’ Reboots One Final Time, Flies into the Sun

By Packie Williams CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – Ray Denver, the superhero currently known as Clayman yet more commonly known as Reboot Man, has had yet another reboot.  And then he flew into the sun. Denver had reportedly been living with Professor Carl Poughkeepsie in Charlotte, North Carolina, for the past several months.  Poughkeepsie, a geneticist specializing in sentient rocks, was trying to find a way to revert Denver back to his original human form.  Then,… Read More

Pacifica Wins Election, Independence

  By Stan Hopewell ATLANTIS —  In a historic election, Pacifica has won its independence in a landslide victory, 68% pro-independence, 30% anti-independence, 2% indifferent. After the revelation of Atlantean General Jor Q’Rell staging the Laval attack on the Atlantis-Pacifica meeting, and possible time travel shenanigans, King Morn A’Ganor of Atlantis agreed to hold an election to determine the fate of Pacifican independence.  Some political observers worried that two weeks was too little time to… Read More

’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now

By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – It looks like the ’97 Tiger Woods, who was brought to the present through a time machine and dubious reasons, will be sticking around the present for a while. After the disastrous end to the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match, the PGA, under supervision of Dr. Amazing and 24 federal agents, was set to send ’97 Tiger back to his time.  Dr. Amazing had brought his time portal to the… Read More